AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Feel My Righteous Anger Burn
by Swoopin

Okay, I got a lot to say and not much of it's pretty.

First, David Brown is wearing a girly head band when the show starts, which is only marginally better than Mario's stupid ass hat, which is still perched on his head, looking for nothing like the famewhore that hat is slowly becoming.

Second, the funniest thing I saw tonight, hands down, was Ryan Seacrest being attacked by a goddamn FLAMINGO. Please. Something big and pink that stands on one leg and preens--clearly it recognized Ryan for the tropical bird poseur he is and went on the attack.

Meanwhile, Ryan, when not talking about barfing on a roller coaster is reminding us of all this stuff we've never seen or heard before. Because we have amnesia and never remember a [i]thing[/i] that happens on this show.

Hi JP! I still want to pinch your cheeks!

Can we please ban the word "journey" from AI. I'm expecting Steve Perry to start wailing on "Open Arms" every time I hear that word. And then Randy will put on his 'fro wig and start twanging a bass and I'll just DIE .

Aaaaand can we can the damned gay jokes while we're at it. Thankyewverymuch.

Paula starts talking about "provoking joy and love" and Young Swoop turns to me and says "don't you be provoking no joy out of me mom, you hear me!" with a totally serious face that is nearly as funny as Ryan and his Flamingo Lover.

Simon tells us America knows when they're faking it. I wait for the camera to pan to ConstantCrud and Potterov Clayclone, but no such luck.

How is it possible that Ryan is still so fucking LAME after 3+ seasons of this crap.

Then we get still more reruns. Six girls only get shown. I am immediately suspicious to see only Vonzelle, Mickles the Drag Queen Clown, Carrie, Nadia, Janay, and Jessica. My anntenae are quivering and my foil hat is firmly in place. And it's a totally cool hat Mario, eat your heart out.

Melinda is cut, which is no surprise. Calling her a "young Kelly Clarkson" is a kiss of death ("We have one of those, next please!").

I'm of two minds about her comments. One, it's totally true that you gotta bring it. So yeah, she wasn't up to snuff last night. But it's also totally true that there are 8 other girls on that couch who got lots of camera time, meaning a bad performance (hello Janay! Hello Amanda!) is more likely to be forgiven. So overall, have a little more class, but word.

Then we get rid of a guy and again with the clip shots but this time we see 8 guys. One of them is not Jared, who got no camera time anyway, so he's gone and that's so "ooh, didn't see THAT coming." Hell, even he saw it coming.

Simon is the assiest ass who ever assed. "Do you have any advice for Jared?" "No." Jared then proceeds to demonstrate that he actually CAN sing, and had he shown one 10th of the passion Tuesday night that he does here he'd be back on that couch. I'll miss your pretty, pretty eyes.

Ryan: "We still have one more guy and one more girl to lose." Me: "Yeah, we'll lose them at the mall near you where Mario and his ridiculous HAT will be appearing soon."

Okay, so now we have the Flashing Lights of Desperate Doom. Christ. Sarah Mathers is cut and Simon is nice to her because she has breasts. Note to Jared: grow breasts for positive, uplifting kind comments. Otherwise, don't let the door hit you buddy.

Sarah sings like the Reanimated Corpse of Julia Demato (tm [b]Shack[/b] and is all "fuck this shit, I was beat by that Barbara Streisand Drag Queen Impersonator and whatEVER." And every time she sings "Get ready, 'cause here I come" the camera pans to Nadia. Jeez, ya think?

Then the real mind fuck starts, and finally, after poor Joe tries to tell Ryan he read his card wrong "No really, it must be me because it ain't Anwar and there's no one left up here, Ryan? Ryaaaaaaaaaaan?" Ryan turns around and basically tells smiling, confident Judd that he's out. And my jaw drops, which I'm sure is exactly what TPTB expected.

Alright, two things. One, why not just put these kids in thumb screws? I'm sure it'd be much more pleasant for them. And two--Paula and Simon did NOT call a CCR song a "novelty song." I am absolutely positive I did not hear them diss a song performed by one of the Greatest Rock Bands EVER. John Fogarty's lawyer will be in touch, you morons.

Seacrest.....please, get the hell OUT already.

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