AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

It's a Traveshammockery!
by Wandering Snark

So we kick it off Ladies Night and the Cosby Show Jello Intro Danceā„¢ is not really funny but somewhere between pointless and embarrassing... I think part of that is that they expected the girls to move into the 'spotlight' far to quickly wearing heels, so some people just gave up and others looked like they were at the AI Mustang Ranch of Simon's mind.

Through the fires of hell comes Vonzelle. This is a classic 'So What?' performance IMHO. Ya yah yah? No thanks. That sound was all the 'Tasiers declaring you are no 'tasia so step away from the yeah yeahs.

Amanda Aveyecandy: I don't know, was I just dazzled by her being good lookin? I actually was rather impressed with her and thought I'd vastly underrated her... but the judges hammered her. I don't trust word one they say but I was still a bit baffled at the unanimous panning.

So how exactly did Janay make it into this competition? That was [Simon]Ghastly[/Simon] but for some reason I don't think she'll be going home.

Carrie Underwood Overpimped: She's an older Carmen with curlier hair; I'm done with her 'Olivia Newton John in Grease' before she 'rocks out' persona. Even MuppetBoy gets in on the pimpin this time around: 'Brilliant Work!!' Someone care to roll my eyes back over here for me? Thanx.

Sarah Mather is sooooooo fuckin hot... in pictures. On stage? Not so much... as she has completely transformed into a brunette Kimrawhore Caldwell. I used to joke that one day KimC was going to break her neck as she tried to follow the camera as it swooped behind. Similarly Sarah's following the camera down to her knees was just a bit too much. I'm done... and I'd guess you're gone, but can picture you making a good career from being so photogenic.

Melinda Lira Hmm I love when they say she's the best. voice. evar. and we've never seen her before. Simon didn't go that far but I do think it was yet another 'So What?' performance destined to get lost in the shuffle. Maybe the pimping will get her to next week.

Nadia 'Tina' Turner She has the pointy pose already down so that should serve her well; I'm not quite sure why the crowd was so instantly into this performance but it was pretty damn impressive as an overall. See you next week!

Celena 'Norma' Rae When you're drown out by the crowd clapping you've got problems. I wonder if Celena will be a KLo 'start weak finish strong' performer but I think it was more start weak finish meh which won't garner many votes. Don't forget: "Song choice is key important." An early 'favorite' to go home.

Meeeeeeekalah Gordon I'm staying strong and hating this girl; someone's gotta do it I guess it's up to me but I might have help after tonight. HATE. Someone really needs to take the rubberbands off her throat and snatch her voice out of her sinus, better yet just smack the shit out of her so she talks and/or sings with her actual voice not that fucking Cher Meets Betty Boop atrocity that I just witnessed. This was the biggest trainweck ever, pass me the steel wool and bleach to scrub that shit off my brain. It was a travesty and a sham and a mockery. It was a traveshammockery!

Lindsey Cardinale has apparently stolen one of Caaaaarmen's outfits. I hope to see her next week but I'm not holding out a lot of hope. The bottom of the barrel is getting mighty crowded though... not everyone's going home.

Jessica Sierra I'm cheering for 'cause she's a good kid. She certainly looks better than the SinginHobo thing. Oooh, and her singing action figure comes with dramatic hair flippin' action! Heh. Pretty good actually, probably enough to make it to next week.

And We Will Be Saying Aloha To The Show with this performance. I refuse to stand just because you say so. There doesn't appear to be any first or last letters in her singer's alphabet, so I speak in a language she understands: _ir_ _o_ _uc_ . She is also singing into a fan. I feel like a teacher who's caught a student chewing gum. "Okay, stop. Take the fucking flower out of your hair, yeah now go."

My guess: Mehlinda and Norma Rae will hit the bricks but there are very few I would be surprised should they be sent home. I will however be praying nonstop that Mikalah goes home. Please? With sugar on top?

So, I was watching the show back...

The American Cancer Society would like to present this Certificate of Valor to Lindsey Cardinale for showing women on national tv how to do their own breast exam. She is a shining example of strength for her and all generations and we applaud her efforts to raise awareness.

After trying to clear Mikahla's voice, Simon's mic comment and all the pimpin BS that led us to tonight I [Simon]watched the show back[/Simon] and did notice some things:

I really did enjoy watching the 'boys' groovin and being super supportive; especially for Janay when she pulled her shit together a bit. I'd also like to point out (if anyone else 'watches back' as well) that you just have to see resolutely the lite-rock taps into Anthony Boremypantsov's very soul. Phil Collins is so his hero, he was playing air drums and shit at the crescendo part of Jessica's performance.

After looking through nerves and past tonight to what they might contribute down the road I would eliminate Vonzelle and Mehlinda (who won't go home because of the combined Clarkson/Trias vibe voting blocks). That is of course without even suggesting the folly of Meekalah going home since she'll be this year's Jasmine, regretably.

I think all of Janay, Celena, Sarah and Lindsey with better songs and less nerves could still challenge for spots if they make it to next week that is. Sarah and Lindsey are probably the most tenuous because they just didn't impress while Janay screwed up big enough to get the sympathy vote. Celena very well may be robbed. If you 'watch it back' and aren't still basking in the glow of Nadia's awesomeness you can appreciate that quiet (not weak, mind you) beginning Celena had to her song that she actually did quite well with.

Speaking of Nadia, her hair weighs more than her torso I think...

Aloha did have a lot of energy but it's a bit inaccurate to call that 'singing'. Also, she was frighteningly close to a 'wardrobe malfunction' as her jacket pulled the top of her dress practically off.

With mind cleared of any AI editing shenanigans coming in Carrie was actually kind of charming, and her little freak-out squirms/dances in respose to getting good comments from the judges were kind of endearing. I'm going to give her another chance; but I was still kind of half-chuckling that she was doing effin Tiffany. She sooo should have worn a sweater skirt.

Also funny was after AI I watched Veronica Mars and their school dance was an 80's theme (yes, making me feel old) so I thought of Carrie's Tiffany cover. I also thought back to our referencing Jacob doing a Duckman version and 'Tenderness' and voila Duncan was totally like channeling The Duck, like ohmigod!

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