AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Sunday, February 27, 2005

Pin The Cliche Judging Comment on the Contestant!
by Wandering Snark

In pondering the upcomign week's shows I tried to picture what order the singers will go in, what kind of song they will sing and how the judges will react in their oh-so-helpfully trite way. These are just educated guesses; I haven't heard anything about who is doing what or whatever. I think the whole week will depend on who picks what.

My guess will be 'girls' will 'return to the Diva' so we'll start he show off with some gahdfirsaken mess by MeetBabsDrescher which they will pan mercilessly because it wasn't 'who you are', you're fun, you're vomit inducing! The ballad was a bad choice for you dawg; she'll take the 'aww poor thing' votes that Janay got last week and live to torture us for a third week.

Aloha and Nadia will actually do 'singing' songs this week so unless one of them is jaw-dropping and can make that final slot they'll be at the 1/4 and 3/4's marks respectively.

The middle will be YoungPerkyUpTempoNonHeadExploding Janay leaving us so that Carrie will finish off with some damn power ballad. The other girls will 'slot in' to keep there from being too many 'stand or sit and sing into mic' performances in a row.

'Boys': David Brown kicks us off up-tempo. Randy says 'Yo that was da bomb dawg. I was feelin it!' Paula will claim he has a wonderful color to his voice and we'll know she's been hitting the magic medicine cabinet again.

At the quarter mark is Bo, doing 'Desperado'. Randy will say 'Alright man, you definitely have the pipes but I just think that this wasn't the best song choice for you, I mean c'mon dawg, you're a ROCKER! I was just... like... dude ya know?' Paula tells him she loves him and America loves him so hopefully he'll back next week for anotehr chance because tonight you took a chance and I don't think it paid off.

The middle is staked down by Mario doing some sappy crap in yet another hat, Randy says he 'worked it out' but he's not sure... Paula calls him crazy in that semi-hysterical way saying that she he looks great and 'I'm sure his fans will vote for him' because he's got such a nice tone, following up with the ever popular hands clasping together over her heart 'I just love you. Fantastic' schpiel.

Anwar goes up tempo just after that, Randy says 'I dunno dude... not your best, and it was kinda pitchy here and there'. Then Paula incoherently double-talks saying something that seems to be that they want people to take risks but that the song 'just wasn't who he is' so his 'energy' just didn't carry it but 'you looked like you were having fun up there. So.. good for you.'

Constantlame holds down the final slot and does 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' in very much the same manner that Judd did last week but of course with two extra layers of sleeze and a side of eye fucking. They of course go insane and compliment him on his great presence and energy. Paula will tell him how much we love to watch him. Simon will say 'That was very good and as I said last week it's your 'charismarr' that really brought the whole performance together. I think you're bound to do very well in this compa-sis-scion.'

I'll then of course throw up in my mouth... again.

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