AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Wednesday, March 16, 2005

All The Cheddar That's Fit For Cheese (or, how I admit that I'm all about the Pointy Pose...)
by Swoopin

And the universe rights itself--Ryan is in the audience, talking about having to lose someone while wearing what appears to be a large chain stapled to his red t-shirt. Yo Ryan, just use the chain to keep them with us, yo.

Lame-o moment of the night--not the cheesetastic group sing or the pimpmercial, but Fakin' Aiken mouthing "live on American Idol" while twinking his head back and forth like a first grader making fun of the teacher behind her back.

Speaking of fake, Ryan fakes everyone out with the "why" question, and I'm all "finally, Mehrio, because dude, I've still got popcorn here" and no. Mehrio is now officially dead to AI. Moving right along.

Major rehash in which Constainedpits inability to apply anti-perspirant is highlighted. Here's a hint hon: a.) wear an undershirt of some sort, b.) ask Nadia for some dress shields, or c.) don't stick your hand in the air like an Up With People singer.

So then Ryan starts blah blah blah charitycakes and my nose quivers like a bloodhound's because I'm all about The Pointy Pose. "When You Tell Me That You Love Me" is not suited for a group sing, and 12 people doing this are never going to sound good, but props to ConstantCarjacking and Mickles the Clown for winning the Sucked The Most Award this evening. Your prize is a case of Old Spice for Con and a new makeup gun permanantly set to Not Quite A Whore for Mickles.

I didn't recognize Nadia without her weedwacker hair, seriously. She was first runner up in the Sucked The Most Contest though--yikes. Maybe she has the Power Of The Hair, kind of like Mehrio had The Power Of The Hat?

So Bo and Carrie are clearly the Chosen Couple--kind of a Beauty and the Beast thing going there, because his hair looks waaaaay better than hers and that twang of hers is beastly. Why'd she get the last solo? Why'd she get two solos? We're on to you PTB--interns, make a note.

Oh look, it's Ruben, who is so famous he has to be identified with a caption and is so not busy being a UNICEF Ambassador and recording his next CD that he doesn't even warrant 5 seconds of Ryan's interview time.

Are we EVER going to get to eliminations--oh yes, yay, finally! Fakin' Aiken is a smug asshat who must die--my general distaste for Simon, however, is temporarily lifted by the look of utter disgust on his face when AnPHONEY is declared safe.

And now, a general health safety alert: the Dazzling Lights Of Doom may, may cause seizures. Look at poor Jessica's Granny people and let up on the lights!

On the other hand...hee...all the strobe flashing on Mickles' face was cracking me up. I kept hearing her plastic surgeon saying "or we could choose this for your next face" since every time the strobe changed her entire face morphed into a different one. Which was just a wee bit scary, too.

Lindsey, Jessica, and Mickles are called forth to the seal, then we get to watch the pimpmercial, which features entirely too much ConstantCreep, too much Mickles, too much Carrie, whose face was all "what is this thing y'all call dancing and will I go to hell for it?" and not nearly enough Bo, damnit. In leather pants..oh, sorry. Actually, that was a vast improvement over most of the pimpmercials. Boring, but an improvement in quality.

Finally, we're back, Jessica is sent back, and Ryan screws with Mickles, who then says something like "Ryan you fu---" before the mic is cut and so's the vid. I can't wait until she's booted, really. The swears that will pour forth ought to buy Fox some serious fineage.

Finally Lindsey is predictably booted, gets her Video Of Death, and does her sing-out, where she shoots the thunder and lightening from the hip in an exquisetely cheesy moment after classily shaking hands with the judges. And was it just me or did she refuse to hug Paula's mummified and Botoxed Being and insist on the handshake, like "Sorry, I don't touch overly pickled and preserved people on the first date."

I am tempted to watch Paris and Nicole get attacked by ducks, but you know, I just can't bring myself to do it...

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