AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Castration of the Mehn
by Phan

Simon and Randy decide to be big bitches and bitch about people bitching. You know Simon, three seasons ago you were bitching about Jim Verraros' advancement into the Finals and you blamed it on "symphathy" which might stem from the fact that he was showcased constantly in the auditions, so Shut. Up. And Randy, good job bitching about things you yourself have bitched about.

Anyway, tonight's theme of interview was the Zodiac signs. No one cares. If I were a contestant, I'd literally ask, "Can we have more singing time?" unless I knew I were one of the bad ones.

Scott Savol superbowl shuffles singing "I Can't Help Myself." Scott's version is completely meh and unenergetic and reminds me of Sarah Mahter zombifying her way through "Get Ready" two week earlier. Simon calls him on the superbowl shuffle and Paula tries to negate his opinion because he isn't a performer. I laugh and laugh because Paula is defending dancing that she'd never choreograph without worrying about being laughed out of show business. And Scott? Stop clapping when you get a compliment. It makes you look like an asshat.

Bo Bice sings "I'll Be" and... it reminds me of Kelly's "Walk On By" a bit. The week after she became the favorite, she made a meh song choice, though she still did well. Bo follows suit here. It is all sort of blah though he nails the chorus well. Simon tells him it's his competition to lose. Oh lord. That's the "you'll be coming in 4th" kiss of death. Eh. 8 weeks of Bo? Awesome. We find out Bo has been doing that song for a while though. Ah, I see now. Comfortable = complacency. Hopefully he doesn't get screwed by the voters.

AnTracheotomy Federov bobs up and down to a song that everyone has heard but I can't quite pinpoint the title. I know it's Marc Anthony. "When I've Got You" I guess. And I'm quite surprised he's doing uptempo well, but it's still not wonderful. It's serviceable. Probably the best vocal control we've seen out of him so far. But still. It's cheese. Simon Dr. Seuss's "the latin flair of a polar bear" and hee. Quite true. Anthony is totally the Vanilla Ice of Latin Music.

Nikko Smith trots out in the same outfit as last week (to me it seems) with a brown hat. He is singing "Georgia on My Mind" by Ray Charles. And... it isn't very good in the beginning. However, he pulls out the glory notes and... they're just a little off. Simon says the glory notes will save his ass, which makes me think Simon didn't like the whole thing either.

Travis Tucker tonight stars as the paperboy in "A Christmas Carol." "Why sir, it's Christmas Day!" I actually said that when he walked out. Then he sings "Every Little Step" by Bobby Brown and... it's bad. More style than substance, he dances and does that weird foot move where it looks like you're on an assembly line or something. Oh and he's terribly flat through out the performance, just like last week. Except this time, the judges call him on it. Simon says "You've just shown you're more dancer than singer. It's was appauling." And I pretty much agree with him, but we'll see something worse tonight.

Mario Vazquez stands in the middle of the seal and I just don't get it. Why are they pimping him so much? He isn't that good. He croons his way through "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?" and his voice is incredibly nasal and high and he looks up creepily (even more creepily than Scott could ever hope to be) throughout the song. I guess it's showing off his range of meh. Simon tells him he needed to do that. Simon then proceeds to tell him he isn't the best vocalist (which he isn't. He's probably the most marketable, but I think four other males outclass him vocally), and Paula's ovaries jump out and attack Simon, while Randy agrees with him. I still say whatever to Mario, but he'll probably be around for a while.

Constantine Maroulis takes on Sting's "Every Little Thing She Does" and why is he still here? He's not even bad enough to pay attention to how horrible he is anymore. There isn't much more to say other than he just blahs his way through the song. Simon calls him a bad Sting impersonator and people applaud! HA! Although the cynicist tells me they misheard Simon and thought he compared him in a kind way to Sting, the optimist believes some TWoPers are sitting there cheering Simon on.

Siderant: Paula is constantly interupting the other two (Simon in particular) mduring their critques, and I know this isn't a new practice for her, but SHUT UP. God. Wasn't she bitching during the audition rounds that Simon was interupting her then? I hate her so much. Stupid cunting hypocrite. And yes, the c-word becomes a verb here in Paula's case.

Finally Anwar Robinson sings "What a Wonderful World" and I really must say it wasn't anything special, but it was better than everyone else tonight. In fact, I think he really oversung at the end and it was probably the most overwrought ending I've witnessed thus far this season. But... it was good. Randy and Paula prove how objective they are by giving a standing ovation to their favorite and telling him it was the best vocal. I guess it was good in that sense he managed to stay on key during the oversung glory notes. Good job, assholes. Simon, who (surprisingly) is being somewhat tolerable and objective judging tonight, tells him it was a great performance and tells him he is everything a great music teacher should be. Then he talks about Anwar's earnestness and puppies and tells him to marry Paula because they'd have the nicest children ever. Heh.

Based on everything right in this world, the six to move on should be:
Bo, Nikko, Anwar, Anthony, Mario, and Scott.

Since I am not a complete moron:
Bo, Anwar, Anthony, Mario, Scott, and Constantine.

I'd like to see: Travis and Constantine leave. I don't care if Travis takes Scott's place though.

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