AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Saturday, March 26, 2005

Guess What? AI Blah Cakes, of course!
by Phan

Another week, and another batch of overpraised performances to muck through. Twice even. AI, I am totally your bitch even though you have clear flaws.

Anthony decides to show us what would've happened had Clay Aiken refined the pelvic thrust for his performance of Grease during Season 2. Geez, I thought I was the only one who noticed this "dancing." Thank goodness for TWoP and their watchful eyes. While Anthony attempts to swat a fly with his crotch of injustice, he forgets to sing well.

After Anthony meh's it up with Crotchopalooza 2005, Carrie blows him completely out of the water with her rendition of Heart's "Alone." She finally proves she's a decent vocalist, but then Simon has to ruin a perfectly good performance by completely over praising her, making all of Season Two/Three's praise of any contestant seem completely mild in comparison. If the effing show/Simon would just relax and not do this shit, I bet she wouldn't cause a cloud of rage to swell up in people's eyes when she comes out to sing.

Scott sings "Against All Odds" and it's probably the best rendition of the song I've heard on any season, and for once I like Bobby Hill Sr.

However, Bo. Oh boy. Bo gives probably the most graceful, subdued, wonderful performance the American franchise of Idol will probably ever see. And I'm in awe, but then Randy ruins it the first night, whining that it didn't show "range" which on AI = Not loud and shiny. Gah. Randy backpedals the next night because he sees he came off as a (bigger than usual, and that has little to do with his old size) big ass.

Nikko, who I usually like, waltzes out to sing some god awful Sisqo song. I really don't like though he was probably good overall and he gets over praised not once, but twice in a row on both nights.

Vonzell, who I usually also like, I don't like tonight either. And apparently it was her best performance according to the judges. Okay. Sure. Whatever.

Constantine. Bloody Constantine. He's gotten better since we've started the finals, but I still LOATHE him completely. And then Paula makes me feels bad for him because he falls victim to her idiotic rambling during the second night. I just think he's the smarmiest fucker to ever grace AI. Sorry.

Nadia. Like many others, I've lost my Nadia love. I no longer care whats happens to her. And that's all I have to say.

Mikalah sucks "Love Will Lead You Back" so hard. Jesus/Noel Roman bad. Can she not hear herself, at all? But I wonder if it's because she knows she's more suited to a jazz style of singing, and these first two themes are just not allowing her to explore that, since her only good performance was "God Bless the Child."

Anwar pulls a Sarah Mahter and sucks the life out of "Ain't Nobody." I think "Ain't Nobody gonna vote for you either" but I was apparently very wrong. Then Anwar gets snippy with Randy Wednesday, which gives him more personality than he had, albeit a bitchy one.

Jessica Sierra rocks "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and she's the one who could give Carrie a run for her money in the competiton for best female vocalist, wih Vonzell up in that cat fight too. Nice, smooth, great lower register (which is pretty rare to hear on AI, when caterwauling is considered key important [tm Paula]). Second only to Bo really.

The Great: Jessica and Carrie
The Good: Scott.
The Meh: Constantine, Nadia, Vonzell, Nikko
The Bad: Anwar
The Crotch: Anthony
The ARGH!PAIN: Mikalah

Thursday, the group sing makes me sad, because they're singing one of my favorite songs, "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother."

The Bottom 3 sees Anthony, Nadia, and Mikalah. Though Anthony's divining rod of a crotch leads him to the seal, it also saves him from castration, I mean elimination. Nadia pisses me off, and we break up. Mikalah gets booted. I predicted she'd be tenth, but eleventh is close enough I guess.

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