AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Thursday, March 31, 2005

Thinning The Herd: one blonde country singer down, one to go...
by Swoopin

So Ryan starts us off, as usual, by telling us that, sadly, "we have to lose someone." So how are we going to do that, exactly? Play hide-n-go-seek and not yell "ollie ollie ox in free"? Lead them blindfolded into a corn maze and then run like hell? Sheesh. And why is he wearing a dress shirt without any kind of undershirt under it? Ick.

Paula claps like a freaking seal, people. "Yay, I'm not in jail yet!"

Our third Choice For Charity is the godawful, cheesetastic "Everything Is Beautiful." Well it would be if they'd stop singing this song. My ears, people. And look, Constantine defiantly kicks toward something. "Yo, here's a beautiful kick in the head"? I wish he'd fall on his ass doing that. Better, I wish Vonzell would give him some lessons.

Someone asked why Carrie is the only one who looks comfortable during these group sings. Because Carrie is the only one who's dorky enough to think this is actually fun. She was doing that arm wave thing too. Meanwhile, some poor girl in the audience is drooling on her neighbor and trying hard to count the rhythm and failing spectacularly.

We interupt this recap to state, for the record, that that weirdo hoyay Burger King King? Is the creepiest creep that ever creeped.

I have nothing to say about that Pimpmercial except thanks for the nightmares. Really, giant muppets? Was that necessary?

Even the contestants are looking pretty "whoa, if we'd have known THAT..."

So can we get to the Bottom 3 already? Because I have a life, I tell ya.

Nikko, Constantine, Carrie, and Bo are all safe. And in the exact same spots as last week. Say hello to your Top 4, folks.

Loved Bo's eyebrow wiggle. Heh. Still hating the Bovine Chapeau from last night, though, and so very glad it didn't make another appearance.

Nadia being on the Seal is kind of shocking. I don't care for her, and I didn't either like or hate last night's performance, but there were worse people than her last night. But Simon basically said not to vote for her, so there she is.

Jessica being there is also not a surprise because Simon said it was okay not to like her.

Scott gets mind-fucked again. Someday, Ryan is going to really regret that because Scott is going to reach out with all ten of those sausage-sized finger on those ham-sized hands of his and throttle the bejeebus out of him.

Anwar hit the seal because AnPhoney almost cried last night. That's the only reason, I promise. Although Anwar also sucked ostrich eggs last night and deserved to be there. And to be sent packing.

Nadia goes back to the couch, and Anwar looks a wee bit surprised by that.

And to no one's surprise, Jessica, who so totally did not deserve this, gets the boot. Because Simon said "don't like her."

I can't wait until they try to market Carrie as a country singer, folks. Not in a million years will she succeed. Jessica, however, would have, I think. And hopefully still will.

Our condolences to Spacecitymarc.

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