AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Welcome to 'Performer' Idol!
by Wandering Snark

Here come the girls and just like Family Circus, they are down in the corner... just waiting to suck.

I’m just so feeling over it all this week... so they best ba-rang ette tonight or the following may not be pretty.

Amanda Avila kicks us off with another song people are going to be saying ‘Performer X’ did that? Hmm, news to me. Personally I can’t help but hear Erasure when I hear this one... Amanda needs to stop tapping the mic in her hand because it’s drivin me nuckin futz.

Janay Castine Candelight dinners and romance... that sounds so bizarre coming from someone so damn young; and this song choice has the same problem. This is absolutely painful, right from the first moment that made my neck do that horrible involuntary crunching down into my torso thing... the only question is, how many times can the same person be saved by pity votes? I think she’s out of wishes...

Carrie Underwood To be honest her intro was so amazingly painfully rediculous and I’m fairly sure coached and/or written for her that I boycotted her song. I don’t use live bait I see the judges are in a ‘top-that’ betting process to see who wins the prize by making the most roundabout and pointless statements possible... Pauler makes my head hurt.

Vonzelle Solomon comes out in a second-hand stripper’s outfit from the Cowgirl’s Coochie Corral and I believe if you take out the portion during which she is DeGarmoing the crowd this performance is 10 seconds long. Out of those 2 seconds are nice the rest boringly average so I sahre Simon’s extreme sense of ‘What the fuck!?’

Are we really only able to send home two tonight?

Nadia ‘Tina’ Turner’s Hair I see there is also some kind of pool among the girls for who can take the stage in the most rediculous getup. [Randy]I just ain’t feelin it tonight.[/Randy] I think she is far from the ‘whole package’ as Pauler sez... I think she is 80% dazzle and 20% substance but she perfect for the apparent year of ‘all sizzle no steak’. Who will make the Final 12 of Performer Idol? Why do I not-so-suddenly have a hard time giving a shit?

Lindsey Cardinale Sounds like a young Cher tonight it seems. She’s another victim of not being able to sing a whole song and having to pick up in the middle to finish at a sensible place, once she gets going I think she’s very good, but who knows?

Meekaylah the Gorgon is now officially a caricature of herself and is so completely ‘believing her own press’ that I no longer hate her and simply think she is rivaling Elizabeth Pha on the pathetic scale. Girl has a serious identity crisis ans as I’ve contended the whole time she ‘isn’t just who she is’ but actually doesn’t have a damn clue who she is.

Jessica Sierra kind of half-saves the show from a total boredom fest with her ‘Boys are Back’ now sans Singin Hobo outfit, this time opting more for of just a Ho look. I don’t know if I really liked it but I like her. I think she’s been the most consistent, has the coolest voice and isn’t over the top, over her head or phony so she’s still my pick of the gals. Interestingly I do think it’s all about life experience here, she has a depth the other girls can’t fake.

Overall? A bloody trainwreck... as long as Jessica doesn’t go home I don’t care who else shows up for the Final 12.

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