AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Tuesday, April 12, 2005


"Astonishing"
by Wandering Snark


Hello friends. First of all of course thankyou so much for your support (tm Bartles and Jaymes), I really appreciated it. I won't get overly emotional on you all here, promise! Thanks again though, and good to see the fire's still burnin when I come back.

I wasn't able to actually care/comment last week either but I think it was working this weekend in a charity event for Gilda's Club Chicago that really got my head straight. Visting comedy and improv troupes from 12 noon to 3am Saturday and Sunday and all for a charity that supports cancer patients. Just what the doctor ordered!

----------------------------------------------------
The snark has returned:

Welcome back to the results of the ‘Idol’ creative team’s office contest for who can come up with the worst Idol theme ever. Tonight’s winning idea “Songs From The Year You Were Born”.

I really feel for Anwar here; he thinks it'll be “Nursery Rhymes” and he’s absolutley crestfallen to find out he’s wrong. In retrospect at least that might have been interesting... instead?

Welcome back to Valium’s Boredom Idol!

First up tonight is Nadia, back to the gigantic lion’s mane hair. That’s the good part unfortunately, the wardrobe and song choice lag far far behind. She takes this year’s Carol Burnette shoutout award, wearing the curtains from her room. Now, if she’d have tugged on her ear to show she’s in on the joke I’d have voted nonstop for her.

How bad is it? Even Paula has a hard time holding back when giving a halfhearted ‘you look great tonight’. At this point I realize that in this case bad song choice is another aspect of not having the ability to connect with your audience or pull people in to enjoy watching you perform (see Vonzelle).

We see two baby pictures and I am two for two guessing it’s Anwar and Bo. Seriously! Why would I lie to you?

SING FREEBIRD DUUUUUUDE!! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEBIRD!!!!!!! I like Bo, and while it painfully apparent he can’t change and this comp is starting to bring him down I hope he doesn’t end up travelling on after this one. It seems like he could be caught in the vortex of the “song that sounds really ironic when done as a singout”.

Anwar has a little Captain in him. At least he’s getting some product endorsement kickback out of this. He’s next on ‘Sleep Like You Just Drank a Gallon of Captain Morgan’s' Boredom Idol. He also needs to button his gahdamn shirt. I don’t want to consider if he’s in the “I Shave All My Body Hair” club. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. The performance is a by-the-book Idol Cliche performance. Start sitting down, stand up at the part where your song ‘takes off’ (in your opinion) and then finish with a big drawn out glory note.

Anthony Absolutely Boresmypantsov - Every time he sings I just want him to go... away. He always of course is tops on my list. He’s a serious front runner for the title. He truly knows what it takes to win Sominex’s Boredom Idol and he’ll sound great when his winnings, a guaranteed track on your office music from hell, are played.

Ryan doesn’t even let us guess this time which is just rude of him, we once again suffer from Seacrest’s need to push his own catch phrases. We can't guess pictures because he needs to work in his absolutely horrific ‘Scotty The Body’ tagline by saying ‘Scotty The Little Body’.

Vonzelle just doesn’t get it... she’ll never win Ambien’s Boredom Idol with a performance like that. Energy? Having fun?

Scott still has this odd disconnect to anything he says, I feel vaguely threatened by his intro but delighted with the possiblity of him going off on Constatine for being a fake rocker. Scott will rock anything he gets his hands on btw, yeah that’s creepy. Paula dances like a marionette being manipulated by someone as drunk as she is. He gets the 'doing a song by the guest musician in the audience' pimp. We all know nobody rocks like Hall and Oates. *insert eyeroll here* I'm sick of his Weeble Wobble performances.

Carrie UnderwoodOverpimped will be up next. Ryan has decided the ‘guess the photo’ game is so 5 minutes ago. I read into this: more than one picture of Carrie to awe us with her cuteness but re-use the same rough around the edges pic of Vonzelle in the open and before ads. I hate it when TPTB get jealous of their ‘chosen one’ being overtaken in the competition. Bastards.

Absolutely the worst beginning of an Idol performance ever. Bar none. Truly bizarre because she actually sounds like Pat Benatar, until of course she does the morphing of Mariah ‘Egregiously Overused Glory Note’ Carey and Pat ‘Growling Snarling Rocker’ Benatar. It just further proves the point that this girl is very good. As the lead singer of a cover band... which she is. She also now believes she is becoming ‘Grease Post-Rocker Transformation Sandy’. Nah, it’s really not working. At least she looks less like Elle Woods this week.

ConstantOhfuckitwhocaresanymoreitdoesn'tmatter, not to be outdone in the cliche overplayed song choice category by Bo, C goes for Bohemian Rhapsody. Classic Constantine, over the top theater boy meets ‘I Think I’m A Rocker’ boy. He sounds quite a bit like Freddy. Paula is completely overtaken by her horrormones. no longer able to control herself and declares him ‘the one to beat’. Ohdeergahd. Ryan then shows he doesn’t know the definition of the word sarcasm, or the Brit’s propensity to employ it. He doesn’t notice Simon is about to burst out laughing while dubbing the performance ‘Astonishing’.

Tonight’s show? I have voted and I agree with Simon: “Astonishing” and not in a good way. The hell did this season go so horribly wrong?

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