AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Damn, I am confused
by Swoopin

I obviously spent too much time staring at the spircles on Ryan's shirt last night because I'm all confused. Like, seriously confused.

First, they tell us to vote for our Tsunami Tsingle (tm Jacob) and then tell us what won, but hey, we're going to do all three songs anyway. So why bother?

Then Fantasia comes out. I thought she was singing "Baby Mama," but that's not what this is. I don't know what it is, although I was entertained by her name being split like some war-torn and reconfigured slavic nation on the sliding doors so that it was FANT ASIA. It doesn't take long to realize, too, that 19Evil's money hashn't been shpent on anything like enunsheation leshons. It's also clear she's still shrieking and yeah-ing her way through everything, and there was one big GASP before she yelled at the current crop of contestants to "BELIEVE OR ELSE" that I thought might have sucked all the available air out of the theatre.

Man was I glad when that was over. I was digging her boots, though.

So Fanty's advice to these people is to "act ugly." That's helpful to Scott, maybe. It was clear Bo was into it and his doing the "I'm not worthy" thing cracked me up, especially since Ryan then says in regard to the Couch Crew, "They all want to be the next American Idol" and Bo's response is a "Eh, not so much" face with dismissive shrug. Hee.

Next we get a pimp for Life on a Stick and to my everylasting amusement, KimberMe gets NO camera time. Bwah! Ruben looks like a big pimp daddy in that suit. And didn't he release a CD a few months ago? What, he can't come sing a song? Or get five seconds to pimp it out? He's reduced to craptastic Fox tv shows? I'm so confused, really.

That was the most boring Pimpmercial ever. I guess they blew the pimpmercial budget last week on the Pimp Puppets.

Oh good, here comes the elims. Excellent. I always enjoy this. So Ryan naturally confuses me by pulling down the first three people, two of whom should totally not even be there. Who the hell is voting for Aphid? And Slingblade Scott? Seriously people. Don't.

I don't understand why Vonzell is in the Bottom Three. Or Nikko, really. So very confused.

My confusion is furthered when Ryan then asks Bo how he feels about not being there. Bo says something about the "jawn-drah" and I giggle, and then nod when he says he could have done better. Then Ryan asks Aphid the same question and I'm all "oh shut up" and he's all grateful to his fans and all I can think is "well I'm not, so shut up Aphid's fans, too." Just everybody shut up.

And I'm also confused why they didn't chat it up with anyone else? Anwar? Nadia? Carrie? Constantrunningsores? Hmmm. Knoll fodder--are they worried about Bo and Aphid's fanbases? Hmmmm again.

Then in what has to be one of the stupidest exchanges ever, Paula yammers on in her druggy way about everybody should get a contract and do well and Simon says "I still think this is a competition you have to win" and Paula replies to my never-ending amusement, "Oh yes, there has to be a winner." Well yeah, because hello? That's the whole danged point of this nonsense. Uncle Nigel needs to adjust her meds, ferchrissake.

So Vonzell, thank Roman, goes back to the couch, and I'm all about Scott leaving because he so sucked last night. And he knows he sucked, and he knows he's leaving--you can see the attempts not to cry, and he looks like he's going to kill Simon first, Randy next, and then take out the entire staff of The Smoking Gun, so get outta my way Ryan. He totally knows he's going.

More harping about how not good Bo was and how ghastly Aphid was--definitely something up there, but I'm too confused to work it out right now. Especially when it's Nikko who gets the boot and Scott, for the love of all that is good and right in the world, people, SCOTT, is safe.

Awww. I'm so confused.

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