AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Dance, dance, dance, dance dancin' machine...
by Swoopin

God, I totally forgot to post here last week. Eek.

Anyway, about tonight:

And still no RY AN on the doors for poor Sprinkles.

Wow, the Bo pimping started early, didn't it? And a Scott pimp? My head hurts now.

"70's dance music" just cracks me up for some reason.


THE CON: Travoltas in his intro--I thought he said in Hollywood that he couldn't dance? "Sings" the Bee Gees "Nights on Broadway" and lets the back up singers do the flasetto, the chickenshit. I was completely distracted by the Eyeliner! and the Highlights! and the White Jacket! and the Winking! Stop, stop, stop! Randy hauls out the Vegas line, and Simon says he's like a waiter in a Spanish nightclub, which is probably one step up from a Portugese nightclub. Overall, I thought he sucked. Hard. Hated it. Young Swoop gets the snark line of the night in our house with, "Eeww, even his chest fur is greasy!"

CARRIE: Sings the second stupidest song of all time, "MacArthur Park," and once again fucks up the words and this time no one calls her on it. She's wearing a butt ugly dress and her hair could be hiding an entire third world country in there. I thought she was vocally assy overall, behind the music, off the beat, and misplaced her lower register in her hair, and that was the most lifeless, emotionless, boring thing I've ever seen. And Paula, let me introduce you to Clay Aiken, who's burped longer glory notes than that one Carrie warbled through.

SCOTT: speaking of Voldemort, Scott takes on "Everlasting Love" and, while he's certainly no Clay, he does a credible job with it vocally. Simon calls it karaoke, but he obviously was picking his nose through Carrie's karaoke performance just before this one. I was completely surprised they didn't invoke Clay's name when he was done, until I remembered that Simon called Clay's version "broadway."

ANTHONY: Is going to shake his Ukrainian bootay to "Don't Take Away The Music." Mascara much, Aphid? I thought this was vocally inoffensive and that he moved fairly well. I was halfway entertained, at least. Word to Simon: "insipid" is hardly a compliment.

VONZELL: tackles the difficult Chaka song "I'm Every Woman," and makes a vocal mess out of the beginning of it. And the backup singers need to STFU because I can't hear her half the time. I love Vonzell and the energy she brings to the stage, but this didn't do it for me.

ANWAR: EWF's "September" is one of my all time favorite songs, so I go into this thinking he'd better not blow it. I thought he was eh. Once again, his lower register craps out and he's out of tune, and this song should have been a goldmine for him and it's not. It should have been much better. And he bailed on the falsetto too! Meanwhile, I'm dying because he is totally prancing around like a pony and it's the gayest thing I've ever seen on AI, but he has a nice mane to brush and braid. I knew Simon would haul out the Broadway Backhand, and I was not disappointed.

I then indulge myself in a moment of silence for Ricky Smith, who would so have kicked ass on that song--and Constantine's.

BO: in the pimp spot, with the pimp lighting and camera cuts. Totally dorky in his intro and I loved it. I also loved the leather jacket. And "Vehicle." I'm not sure how that qualifies as a "70's dance music" song, but since I melted on the first "Great God in heaven," I am beyond caring. I'm just glad he did well, was energetic, and wants me to know that he loves me. Me me me me me!

Bottom Three: Vocally, for me, it's Carrie, Con, and Vonzell. I don't see either Carrie or Con hitting the seal, though, so at a guess, I'd say it'll be Scott, Anwar, and Vonzell. Either Scott or Anwar goes. Probably Scott.

Oh, and the Family guy thing: "From Ruben to Clay"? Total shout out. Except the idea of Ruben running anywhere these days is laughable.

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