AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Tuesday, April 05, 2005

My Sucktastic Valentine
by Swoopin

Note to Ryan if you're reading here: sweetie, your sweater should not match the set. Or look like it was designed by a child with a spirograph. And tuck in your damned shirt.

I was SO looking forward to this. Really, I'm a huge theatre geek, I've been in dozens of musicals, and I've waited for Broadway Night on AI for 4 seasons now. So what do I get?

I get The Suck. Figures. Damn you, top nine, damn you to hell!

SCOTT: "Impossible Dream," Man of La Mancha--I liked the little R&B licks, but hated the way the song was cut and man is he sharp or what through most of this (my suspicions are confirmed with the reruns at the end, where he's in the right key). And that last note? Jeebus. Totally slipped off the pitched, warbled it around, threw it on the ground and stomped it. Bad, bad, bad, and no passion.

CONMAN: "My Funny Valentine," Babes in Arms--eeww, this is a horrible idea because he's going to, he's going to, he is totally smarming this up, my GOD, the eye-fucking. Someone finally out does Guacs. Nice glory note, missed the last one, and half of America is now pregnant and in need of a morning after pill. And Lawdy the pimping! Crimeny.

CARRIE: "Hello Young Lovers," The King and I--she's completely off the waltz tempo and behind the whole way through this, and she is also flat at the end. So here's my take on Carrie, for whatever it might be worth: she is solid, cold, dull, and disengaged, and every note is always copied--"I listened to the song over and over and over." She will never, ever be anything more than a very competent cover artist. Never, no matter how much Simon pushes her. She can't do anything even remotely original with a song.

VONZELL: "People," Funny Girl--some pitch problems in her lower register with this, but the high notes sound good, which makes her sound really uneven to me overall, but I thought she interpreted the song well. I'd put this in the top three tonight, in fact.

A-FED: "Climb Every Mountain," The Sound of Music--I would have voted for this IF he'd have worn the nun habit. This was like something I'd hear in my dentist's waiting room, and frankly, I'd rather have my teeth drilled sans novacaine than to ever have to listen to this again. Just, no. But I'll give him props for one thing: he at least tried to do something with it other than sing a note-for-note cover. It just didn't work for me.

NIKKO: "One Hand, One Heart," West Side Story--I wish he'd enunciate just a little better and sing a little less through his nose. Weak at the start, but got better, and I actually didn't mind it. Tough to tackle a duet like that, but he did it.

Time out: didn't that dude in the Burger King ad's mother ever warn him about taking high fat, high cal breakfast sandwiches from strange kings at the window? I thought not. Seriously, I'm starting to get a real pedophile vibe from that ad and it's creeping me right the fuck out.


ANWAR: "If Ever I Would Leave You," Camelot--known as "Camelsnot" when I was in it. Hee. Sorry, just had to share. Uhm, it was exactly what I thought it would be. Good, not fandamntastic or anything. I enjoyed it, but wouldn't cry if I never heard it again.

BO: "Corner of the Sky," Pippin--I was waiting for the disaster with this, but, it wasn't bad. He did dub the words right at the beginning, and I'll never claim this was great, but I think he survived it fine. I think it might have worked better with a slower arrangement, though--it seemed just a little too cheddaresque with that more uptempo arrangement. Good enough, I thought.

NADIA: "As Long As He Needs Me," Oliver--is not a song about true love, and it's not a song about scary mad faces. Clever of her to avoid the high sustained notes at the end by just cutting them right off. But I thought it made the end of the song suck because it took away all the impact. Blah.

So, to summarize: I hated everyone pretty much on some level, and as long as Bo and Vonzell aren't in the bottom three, I don't give a damn who goes. However, for form's sake:

Bottom three: A-Fed, Scott, and Carrie (because of the serious tempo problems). Toss up between Scott and A-Fed, but my guess is A-Fed's fan base won't prop him up again.

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