Singin' 'bout chest hair, singin' 'bout crazy cool medallions by spacecitymarc

Ryan starts off the evening by telling me, "You have total control." Wait… really? Okay, then: Scott's out. My Jessiebear's back, and she sings, and she sings, and she sings, and she sings. 2Cats gets dipped in Neet and shivers like a wet dog so much that he can barely open his mouth, leaving him humiliated but not booted for another few weeks. Carrie and Cheeseheart make sweet love right there on stage, spawning a new race of Okla-Ukrainians. Bo upshifts back to primo ass-kickery and Anwar wins the whole thing, resulting in an album so boring that it undermines the entire AI franchise in one fell swoop. Awesome. Thanks for putting me in total control, 19E.

The theme is "'70s Dance Music," and, like last week's TAR and its "Go to Phil on the Mat" instead of "Go to the Pitstop," I find the fact that they didn't just say "disco" intriguing. Ryan asks Scott if he has "the fever," to which he replies, "Nobody's gonna be able to keep up with me next week, man" in the least energetic manner possible. So I'm looking forward to that. Was somebody saying "Good game, good game" as they applauded Ryan's exit from the room?

2Cats, "Nights On Broadway." Ah, that's the awful, disgusting 2Cats I remember, preening instead of singing. Anything he did well was solely in the performance, not the vocal. Dis-GUS-ting. Even my puke vomited. I mean, how much do you suck when Jimmy Fallon does a better cover of this in his Barry Gibb Talk Show sketch? I'm pleased that I thought back to Joe Murena's unctuous Portuguese nightclub perf of "Let's Stay Together" well before Simon said Spanish nightclub (hey, it's a bigger market, so, progress!). Paula sez, "Whatever happens, you're gonna be selling lots of records." And with that I cannot disagree: "Let's see, that's the White Stripes, Coldplay, Weezer… that'll be $47.22. Do you need a bag?"

Carrie Underwood, "MacArthur Park." Carrie doesn't know what the song is about, which, like, duh, it's Carrie, but I give her a pass on this one, because it's a horrible, wretched, nonsensical song that is quite famously one of the worst songs ever written. Why oh why do people keep coming back to this? The key is too low for her -- the last note of every line in the verse is getting completely lost -- but once she gets into her range, she's really good. One of her best non-country vocals. She looks… thicker than usual, I have to say, but that's just an observation, not a judgement, because she is really pretty tonight, despite another appearance by her fivehead.

Scott Savol, "Everlasting Love." Totally meh. He sang it, he didn't have a hell of a lot of energy and he duffed enough of the notes so that his detractors'll have enough ammo while his supporters will have enough to root for. And somebody needs to fucking strap Paula down into her chair, because Paula's One-Woman Dance Party is getting as old and annoying as Simon's arrogance and Randy's everything.

Alex Trebek! I wonder if he still doesn't like me.

Cheeseheart, "Don't Take Away The Music." That was possibly the blandest, most boring performance I've seen all season. When it was happening, it was just like I was watching something that was happening. Simon sez, "Pleasant, safe and a little insipid. So that's sort of a compliment." Which part, Simon? Ryan asks Cheeseheart, "Are you just happy to be back each and every week?," which is funny, since he may as well be asking, "Are you as surprised as we are?"

Vonzell Solomon, "I'm Every Woman." Excellent choice for her, but Anwar must've been pissed that she took his song. Too much heavy lifting by the backup singers here. Vonzell sounds just fine, but I've finally realized that the reason she does so well every week is that she has good control and tone but otherwise has a blank-slate voice so anonymous that she can blend into any style or singer without standing out overmuch. Which is probably exactly what 19E is looking for. Wait… did Randy just say that she had a few "sharp notes"? Not "pitchy"? Holy crap!

Anwar Robinson, "September." Wait a minute… this wasn't sung by a woman! Standard Anwar: rough start, strong end. Good, I guess. I kinda missed it after what I'm sure was a split second shot of my Jessiebear. Squee!

Bo Bice, "Vehicle." And we finally find out why the theme was not explicitly "disco." Great performance, but obviously the Bo Song. And as much as I'd like to bitch about Bo keeping himself in his box, you could say the same damn thing about Gregg Allman, Chris Martin, John Lennon, Frank Sinatra, Aimee Mann and damn near every other name-above-the-title singer who ever made a living in music. The David Bowies of the world are the exception, not the rule. Bo does what Bo is good at. Might be fun to watch him stretch (a straightforward country night would be interesting), though.

Ryan sez, "My opinion: everybody did a great job." That's why we don't let you give your opinion, Sprinkles.

And then there were nine (Or, Once upon a time there was light in my life, now there's only love in the dark) by spacecitymarc

I am disconsolate. Not even a puppetastic pimpmercial for which there are no words can quell the anguish deep in the pit of my being. Jessica was my star, my light, my everything, and now she is gone. Gone! If I should ever refer to "the best female singer still in the competition" from here on out, note that it will be entirely by default.

This fucking blows.

Ryan tries to ease the pain by saying, "This is why it's tough, everybody's good." And… no, Ryan. Some people suck. Jessica does not. But Anthony and 2Cats live on. Was this really necessary to balance out the universe after the result of this week's awesometacular Amazing Race? Because this is just cruel, man.

And so now the awesome bit I was going to share with you about the group sing on "Everything Is Beautiful" and how if they were going to do a Ray Stevens song for the Red Cross, why not just go for "It's Me Again, Margaret" and be done with it? is shot to hell.

Crap.

Are you surprised by the bottom two, Paula? "I'm very surprised." Lady, you're surprised by butter.

Nope, still doesn't help.

How about this: when Pamela Anderson dies, do you think those things will go in the Smithsonian?

Nothing. I feel nothing inside. This is how some of you felt about Judd Harris, isn't it?

I miss my Jessiebear.

Fuck.

(eventually composes self)

Why cry for Jessica?, someone asked. My tears are entirely selfish. I just wanted to watch and hear her sing for a few more weeks. I know enough about 19E to be happy that she's not as trapped as whoever will win this thing. But certainly the longer she stuck around, the more leverage she would have in building her own career. Because, as I've said throughout this entire process, that's the entire point behind the argument that the singers who got no exposure before the voting rounds were at a disadvantage. I'm not arguing that here, though; Jessica got six weeks to show what she could do (seven if you count the last "Hollywood" episode). And in those six weeks, she gave us:

• One jaw-dropper that I'll remember for years ("The Boys Are Back In Town")
• One simply exceptional performance ("Broken Wing")
• One excellent salvage job of a disastrous arrangement, ending with The Look* ("Total Eclipse Of The Heart")
• One subtly excellent performance of a song that didn't have any flashy tricks to keep her out of the bottom three ("Shop Around"), and
• Two songs that I can barely remember but that she didn't even come close to embarrassing herself on because she actually sang them ("Against All Odds" and this week's song, the name of which I'm suddenly unsure of)

Ironically, I think what most people remembered was that they couldn't remember her, and the last three songs listed above became her calling card instead of the first three.

But you're right. She made the tour, she made the album and she got a month and a half to show the public, and perhaps more importantly the music industry, what she can do. I have no doubt that she'll keep at it. She's clearly talented, and if it's only raw talent at this point, let's consider the fact that she's only 19. She gets experience under her belt and works her ass off, she's gonna be an absolute stunner in five years.

Me? I don't want to have to wait that long. And before last night, I only had to wait a week. So I'm bummed for me, not her.

*I quite literally clapped again when I heard that Jessica was safe the week before this. And I think I figured out what it is. She's a fine singer and all, the strongest woman in the competition, but she has a tendency, at the very end of the song (and certainly this week), of giving this look directly into the camera, and it's not eyefucking, exactly, it's a look that says that Jessica is deeply, overwhelmingly in love, not just in love but in love with me, me personally, and I don't know how, since we've never met or anything, but I believe it, I believe that Jessica Sierra from this year's American Idol loves me, and I just give her my heart and trust that when she breaks it, as I know she must, she will be honorable about it and probably be devastated herself, because she never stopped loving me like she did when she was a contestant on American Idol and she told me she loved me at the end of every song with just a look. So I think that's why I clapped.

And then there were eleven (or, The first cut is the deepest (voice)) by spacecitymarc

I'll admit it: I'm sad to see Lindsay go. I thought she had a wonderful voice that she didn't muck up with a lot of the garbage that other contestants frip themselves up with. She had no idea how to choose material that suited it, of course, but I was kinda hoping that she'd stick around long enough to figure it out. Plus, where will I find my weekly dose of AI pretty? Ah, well. At least she went out all Judd Harris classy, shaking the judges' hands and loving that she made it this far. Plus, she did what we all want to do every time we hear the disco arrangement of "Knock On Wood," which is to fingergun the "thunder" and "lightning." Peeyoo! Peeyoo!

That said, if this is what it takes to keep Jessica on my TV for another week, so be it. When she was sent back to the safe group, I actually started clapping. Swear to God.

In the meantime, looking at the bottom three on stage with Ryan, I've gotta ask, how tall is Lindsay? I mean, I can't spot any obvious heels on her, and she dwarfs Seacrest. Maybe that's why she's always squatting. To avoid banging her head on the rafters.

As for the rest of it…

Group sing! Hello, darkness, my old friend. I had forgotten just how much I had missed you. This song, this "When You Tell Me That You Love Me," is the worst thing I've heard since, like, "I Believe." My attempts to wrap my brain around the line "I want to kiss your smile and feel the pain" have resulted in me losing the 8s column of the multiplication table. Mikalah's like a foghorn in this group. And that, my friends, is comedy.

Nadia's "family & friends" person looks like Yeesha Jackson.

Anthony's being safe is utterly distasteful to Simon.

Pimpmercial! And it's… surprisingly not utterly ridiculous. Like, it could be a legitimate commercial that I wouldn't laugh at, and the singing isn't painfully cheesy. So what the hell's the point? All I can really snark on is how Constantine looks like he's carjacking Lindsay. But that's okay, he's just smoldering.

Welcome to the '60s! (Except for you, Lindsay, Anthony and Carrie, you just stay right in the '70s and we won't mention it at all, will we?) by spacecitymarc

So here we are, as the finals kick off with a typically self-congratulatory "They're becoming the most famous faces on your screen, and you put them there" from Ryan. I swear, this show is so far up its own ass that it's come out its own mouth again.

Last week on a little blog some of us put together, I subtitled my results show posting "We have the monkeys, we just need to teach them to dance." As if in response, Ryan uses the [product-placed cola] pre-show interview to force Bo and Two Cats Fucking to twist. Shout-out! Interestingly, the finalists all start singing (or "singing," since they clearly don't know the words) "Let's Twist Again" instead of "The Twist," which is fine, because it's actually a better song, falling into the great tradition of early '60s sequel songs that were superior to the originals (see also: Gore, Leslie – "Judy's Turn To Cry").

So in the words of one of the great sages of our time, let's rock this thing!

Jessica Sierra, "Shop Around." This is the first week that my opinion of her hasn't improved by leaps and bounds. I agree with Simon: not as strong as she's been, but otherwise fine. During the chorus, she sounds really good on the low notes, which can't be said of a lot of the women in this competition.

Anwar Robinson, "A House Is Not A Home." Good, but also lacking when compared to past performances. Randy falls prey to the trap of the mediocre critic by judging Anwar based on what Randy thinks he should do, rather than what he's actually doing.

K-Lah, "Son Of A Preacher Man." Her lower range is really weak, and she lives there for a huge chunk of the song. Plus, she has weird pronunciation issues. Is this how the Fantasia-haters felt? Still, once she got out of her lower register it was probably her best so far.

Two Cats Fucking, "You've Made Me So Very Happy." He actually sings the whole thing, with notes and pitches and everything (except for that last, horrible note, which Paula loves), and he gets a tongue bath simply for not sucking the way he usually does. Feh.

Lindsay Cardinale, "Knock On Wood." I get excited, because the Eddie Floyd original is the song that I'd totally do on Soul night, but then they piss me off by doing the disco version. Part of me assumes that that's because the band just isn't good enough to pull of Booker T. and the MGs. A shame, really, because I think that she might have been able to kick ass on the Stax arrangement. Not a great vocal, but not horrid like some of the others. The pan across her family and friends shows a woman who looks a hell of a lot like her who seems to be wearing a slip as a top. So maybe wardrobe, like prettiness, is genetic. Ryan, switching up this "you" that he seems to be talking to, tells the audience and Lindsay simultaneously, "I think you have to remember when you're watching that the 60s theme isn't the easiest for some of you guys, because these are new songs to you." Which, obviously, since Lindsay didn't even really do the theme. But also, isn't the fact that they aren't familiar with a whole world of popular music, a world which isn't exactly hidden in the shadows and swamps, a problem? I mean, at least Bo knows the songs he's performing.

Anthony Federov, "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do." He interviews that he connects "spiritually and vocally" to the song. How in God's name do you connect spiritually to "Breaking Up"? He takes a cue from Lindsay and does a yawnworthy soft rock rendition that starts on a stool so that, you guessed it, he can stand up for dramatic effect. Drink! I think his problem is that he oversings everything; even when he's not blindly powering through, he's articulating the notes and words too much. Uch.

Nadia Turner, "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me." Looks like Tamyra, but she's awesome, the best of the night. Nadia, I've noticed, tends to sing without a lot of the bullshit that so many of the others deliver by the [product-placed car]-load.

Bo Bice, "Spinning Wheel." I think David Clayton-Thomas is who I've been trying to find for the past few weeks to compare Bo to. This was perfect for his voice, and if the performance wasn't as mind-blowing as he's been, he just did what he needed to do this week, I think.

Vonzell Solomon, "Anyone Who Had a Heart." I'm still not wowed by her; I think that the higher notes are somewhat outside of her register, and she hit a bad last note. But wow, she looks and sounds exactly like a girl-group singer. All she needs is two shorter girls in the same dress on either side of her. So that earns some affection from me right there.

Scott Savol, "Ain't Too Proud To Beg." Horrible stage presence (at least he's not trying to dance), but a strong vocal that kept him from looking like an idiot in comparison to George Huff's asskickery last year. What's with the Marines in the front row? And were there no "family and friends," or did I just miss it?

Carrie Underwood, "When Will I Be Loved." She too avoids the theme by doing the Linda Ronstadt version rather than the Everly Brothers original. She's shakier here than she's been so far, which is weird, because she's usually a much better singer than this. Special dislike for her makeup, which eliminates her facial features entirely.

Nikko Smith, "I Want You Back." Ha! At least he has a sense of humor about the whole thing, singing, "Oh, baby, all I need is one more chance." He puts in a decent mid-level vocal performance. The question is whether it was strong enough for him to avoid being the first man voted out, which is what he needs to escape being this year's Leah LaBelle.

Final elimination (or, We have the monkeys, we just need to teach them to dance) by spacecitymarc

And now we know what kind of crap we can expect over the next 11 weeks.

The people who write Ryan's dialogue are idiots who might know the meaning of the words they use but don't know the meaning of the sentences said words combine to form. Case in point: Ryan references "the two rockers" and says, "Which one stays and which one goes?" Which clearly – CLEARLY – means that either Bo or Constantine makes it to the top 12, but not both. But they do indeed both make it, which, if we ignore Ryan's dialogue, is fine: Bo is the best of the guys right now, and I really want Constantine to humiliate himself for a little bit longer. But TPTB could use a good lesson in rhetoric.

Other than Bo, the only two that I'm actually happy to see move on to the top 12 are Jessica (who is, for me, easily the best of the women), and pretty, pretty Lindsay (whose voice I love and who really impressed me on a lousy song last night).

Ryan can't let the show go by without a little bit of bullshit, as he tells Carrie, "Sorry… to have to ask you to stand up and walk over here." Stupid.

Given the final three guys, I think I'm happier to have Scott move on than Travis, who was just terrible, or Nikko, who I could barely remember even after all this time. Not thrilled about Mikalah, but I'd had enough of Janay and Amanda, so I'm willing to overlook it for now.

And for those keeping score, the official final 12 contains exactly one man (Bo) and one woman (Jessica) who were not shown on this program AT ALL until the Hollywood auditions (and not until very last night, in Jessica's case). That means that of the 9 singers whose auditions they didn't show, 7 of them (78%) didn't make it to the finals, and of the 15 singers whose auditions they did show, only two of them (13%) didn't make it to the finals. Again, there are causality questions here, but there is strong evidence that they really do need to at least look into the possibility that exposure really does give certain performers an advantage not available to others (and if I was still in grad school, I think I'd have my next major project).

Then again, why should they? Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that not only is this exactly what TPTB wanted, it's exactly what they told us fairly explicitly that they wanted. That was the point of the extended audition footage, wasn't it? To make us feel more invested in the singers early on? Well, by God, it worked. It worked so well that the group of finalists is top-heavy with people who got exposure and got it early. Which means that TPTB's objections are not only possibly invalid but incredibly hypocritical. Welcome to the big time, kids! Call your lawyer before signing anything.

And finally, I wish to point out that the insistence on creating a gender-balanced final 12 is specifically designed to let some singers through who simply don't deserve it; not that these finalists (necessarily) don't deserve to be there, but this structure forces the top 12 to fit a specific picture rather than sort itself out naturally. And I'm shocked to realize that that means that TPTB have very possibly given themselves a worse top 12 than they would have if they had simply let people get voted through on their own merits. And that, my friends, is just plain stupid for a show that purports to be a popularity contest.

Last dance, last chance by spacecitymarc

Ryan asks Simon, "What do you have to say to the girls as they get ready for probably the biggest night of their life ?" Simon responds, "Well, it's a bit late for advice. You know, we're like seconds before the show." Translation: that was a stupid question and you are a stupid moron. When Simon is done, Ryan says, "Great advice." Translation: you're an asshole for purposely not understanding the rhetorical nature of my question and the fact that it was more for the audience at home than for the contestants. The weird thing is, they're both totally right.

Amanda Avila, "River Deep, Mountain High." She interviews that "Geminis are also very indecisive and I'll never be able to pick which song." Replace that last word with "note" and we've got a deal. She's terrible. It's as though she knows all the things that she needs to do to be a good singer but is simply incapable of doing them very well at all. She also doesn't know how to handle a microphone, as the constant fluttering and switching hands generates a series of annoying pops throughout the entire song. Before giving her numbers, Ryan says, "It does come down to that song and of course those who have followed you along the way," which is exactly the point of the complaints about unequal exposure.

16-year-old Janay Castine enjoys walks in the park and candlelit dinners. Also, she gets together with her girlfriends to watch Sex and the City, drink margaritas and go on spa vacations. You're 16. We know that you're just parroting back stuff you've heard other people say, and we're not impressed. Oh, and she sings something I've never heard and is back to looking and sounding terrified. She's really bad and totally tanks the ending. Paula, however, says, "You have made a lot of fans out here, and it's gonna take your fans pulling you through tonight, because you've had some really good performances up to here." Which is exactly the point of the complaints about unequal exposure.

Carrie Underwood, "Because You Love Me." A bad, boring song, but a good performance. Not to sound too much like Randy and Paula, but I think she may have the best pure voice of the women. That does not, however, mean that she is the best or most interesting singer. Randy tries to invoke his stupid "dog pound" concept, and the guys just leave him fucking hanging until Paula demands that they bark for her lest her head explode from the cognitive dissonance of this thing! That once was! But isn't now! Simon says, "I don't think there's anything that we could say tonight that would change the audience's mind." Which is exactly the point... oh, forget it. This is how they win their arguments, by wearing you down until you give in just to shut them the fuck up. Ryan mentions that she'll have to work with the different theme nights and says, "It'll be hip-hop and country all in the same song. It's been done before, I'm sure." In fact, just this past year, you dink. "Over and Over" by Nelly & Tim McGraw? Kind of a big hit? #1, in fact? Which you should probably know AS THE HOST OF AMERICAN TOP 40?

Vonzell Solomon, "Respect." Starts with "Put your hands together, y'all come on, we're gonna have some fun tonight!" Total meh. Too much of a performance rather than a vocal. I think she became Mario for a song.

Nadia Turner, "Try A Little Tenderness." The transition between the slow and fast parts was incredibly clumsy (the musical director's fault), but she nailed both parts, and I'd love to hear her do the whole thing from start to finish. Simon kills Amanda dead when he tells Nadia that she reminded him of Tina Turner.

Interview break, as Ryan describes Mikalah as "relentless," which… yeah, that's exactly the word, isn't it? Mikalah says, "I think that America has really seen my personality." Honey, the astronauts on the international space station have seen your personality. It's hard to miss: you look down, and there it is.

Lindsay Cardinale, "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing." And once again, the only reason to sit in a stool is so that you can eventually stand up off of it. Drink! I hate the song, but she was great, easily her best vocal yet. I really do love her voice and hope that she makes it through. Paula, meanwhile, can't engage because she doesn't like the song, but as just mentioned, it wasn't a problem for me at all. Also not a problem for me? Words and standing. Then Simon insults her by insulting Ryan, and Ryan (who I think might actually be genuinely pissed, if only a little) retaliates by throwing Simon's water on him, and God help me, he's still a terrible host, but I'm really starting to like him AS A PERSON this year.

Mikalah Gordon, "Somewhere." Not good. Boring. Too low for her, and she has one of the lowest voices of this year's women. Just a mess. Randy says that she's fearless for tackling a song like this, but all it really means is that she tried out for her high school production of West Side Story.

Jessica Sierra comes out blasting! I love her before she even hits the song proper. I wasn't familiar with "The Boys Are Back In Town" before she performed it in the last round of the Hollywood auditions, but I totally see why she chose it both times. Carrie may have a purer voice, but Jessica, it's clear to me, is just a flat-out better singer, and not only has she not flubbed a song yet, she seems to be getting better and better. She's just awesome, and she overtakes Nadia as the woman to beat in this competition. She and Bo are the only two that I'm legitimately excited to hear what they're gonna do.

Marvin K. Mooney, will you please go now: Amanda, Janay. (alternate: Mikalah)

Dancing is the new singing by spacecitymarc

We start with Simon taking umbrage at the Melinda Lira/Joe Murena argument that less airtime puts contestants at a disadvantage: "The audience aren't stupid at home, they're voting people through on whether they can sing well or not." This suggests to me that he doesn't understand the complaint, which is that the contestants with no pre-semis airtime had to perform at a higher level than the others just to stay alive. Argue against that if you must, Simon, but understand the terms of the debate before you try to dismiss it.

Randy, for his nonsense-spewing, offers this: "All these people talking about song choice, just sing the song." Fair enough. Except for the fact that Randy and Paula, not the singers, are the ones who keep saying that. So basically Randy has decided to bitch at the contestants for something he himself said. Moron.

And then the show that thinks its audience isn't stupid bases its pre-song interviews around fucking astrology. Good lord. Then again, considering the psychic they sent the finalists to last year, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. In the meantime, I can't help but notice that four of the guys are Tauruses. And then I wonder if [product-placed car company] has something to do with this stupid little gimmick.

Scott Savol, "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)." Not fantastic, but good. Solid. Deserving of making the finals, certainly. And then, a weird exchange. Simon, who doesn't make one comment about Scott's singing during his entire critique: "The choreography at the beginning was awful." Paula: "You do it!" Simon, delivering the coup de grace: "I'm not a singer!" And there it is. To put this in perspective, consider the following, logically identical argument: "If you think that the woodwork is bad, why don't you do it?" "I'm not the cook!"

Bo Bice sings some Edwin McCain ballad that I don't know because I've tried my damnedest to avoid the guy ever since "Solitude" befouled my ears a decade ago. He's not mind-blowing like the past two weeks, and I'm an eensy bit worried about the Scott Stapp-ness of it, but he's really good and shows off some versatility that suggests that he won't be as adrift during some of the theme weeks as we may have feared.

Anthony Federov sings an upbeat song that I don't know, and it's a smart choice on his part, even though he's being drowned out by the backing singers. It might be his best performance so far, but I remain so utterly unmoved that erosion scientists should plant me on the edge of the Sahara and have Anthony sing to me to prevent more of arable Africa from being claimed by the desert. And then, for the second time this season, and ever, Ryan makes a joke that is actually funny when Anthony says that Travis kicks his butt at chess, and Ryan says, "Thank you for not saying 'ass.'" It ain't Black Adder, but I give him an honestly earned chuckle.

Nikko Smith sings "Georgia On My Mind" and confirms the suspicions that I started entertaining last week, which is the only reason for a contestant to start a song on a stool is so that they can stand up off of it in the middle. I implore Jacob to make that a "(Drink!)" from now on. Other pointless showman move: taking off his hat and placing it on the mic stand. Aw, the stand is cold! I wonder if it's bald. Oh, right, the song: it's a pretty decent version, if a little too low for Nikko's range.

Travis Tucker dances "Every Little Step" and in so doing, forgets to sing it. He's working his moves so hard that not only does he miss notes, he drops some of them entirely. I fear that the beatbox break guarantees himself a spot in the top 12 that could go to someone else.

Mario Vazquez does "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart," and it seems, honest to God, like the first time I've heard him actually sing rather than simply preen onstage. It's a good performance, not nearly as annoying as I usually find him, but he's got that boy-band tenor that I personally don't like. Simon has clearly taken some of Paula's Babble pills, with a double dose of Redundalin, as he tells Mario, "You have a charm about you, and that's part of your appeal." In other news, Lindsay is very pretty, which makes her attractive.

Constantine Maroulis, having previously more or less offered to whore himself out to any bullshit genre the show wants to throw at him as long as it means that they'll let him stay in the competition, sings "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic." He's just bad. There's not a lot more I can say about it. It's like if you ask me to explain why I think that 2001: A Space Odyssey and Saving Private Ryan are two of the greatest movies ever made; I can make a few attempts at logical justification, but they ultimately just hit me so far down in my subconscious that I don't think I'll ever plumb the depths of it, I can only know that this is how I feel, and that arguments to the contrary will not sway me, as that would attack the very fundament of who Marc is and what is the essence of his Marcness. To explain it would be like me trying to explain what "bad" means. I just take it on faith, lest we find ourselves in a discussion on metaphysics.

Anwar Robinson closes with a fine version of "What A Wonderful World." Like most of the contestants of both genders, he has trouble in his lower range, but I really do think that this is the best we've heard from him so far.

Go home: Travis Tucker. Other than that, as long as Bo is safe, I kinda don't care.