Final elimination (or, We have the monkeys, we just need to teach them to dance) by spacecitymarc

And now we know what kind of crap we can expect over the next 11 weeks.

The people who write Ryan's dialogue are idiots who might know the meaning of the words they use but don't know the meaning of the sentences said words combine to form. Case in point: Ryan references "the two rockers" and says, "Which one stays and which one goes?" Which clearly – CLEARLY – means that either Bo or Constantine makes it to the top 12, but not both. But they do indeed both make it, which, if we ignore Ryan's dialogue, is fine: Bo is the best of the guys right now, and I really want Constantine to humiliate himself for a little bit longer. But TPTB could use a good lesson in rhetoric.

Other than Bo, the only two that I'm actually happy to see move on to the top 12 are Jessica (who is, for me, easily the best of the women), and pretty, pretty Lindsay (whose voice I love and who really impressed me on a lousy song last night).

Ryan can't let the show go by without a little bit of bullshit, as he tells Carrie, "Sorry… to have to ask you to stand up and walk over here." Stupid.

Given the final three guys, I think I'm happier to have Scott move on than Travis, who was just terrible, or Nikko, who I could barely remember even after all this time. Not thrilled about Mikalah, but I'd had enough of Janay and Amanda, so I'm willing to overlook it for now.

And for those keeping score, the official final 12 contains exactly one man (Bo) and one woman (Jessica) who were not shown on this program AT ALL until the Hollywood auditions (and not until very last night, in Jessica's case). That means that of the 9 singers whose auditions they didn't show, 7 of them (78%) didn't make it to the finals, and of the 15 singers whose auditions they did show, only two of them (13%) didn't make it to the finals. Again, there are causality questions here, but there is strong evidence that they really do need to at least look into the possibility that exposure really does give certain performers an advantage not available to others (and if I was still in grad school, I think I'd have my next major project).

Then again, why should they? Because the more I think about it, the more I realize that not only is this exactly what TPTB wanted, it's exactly what they told us fairly explicitly that they wanted. That was the point of the extended audition footage, wasn't it? To make us feel more invested in the singers early on? Well, by God, it worked. It worked so well that the group of finalists is top-heavy with people who got exposure and got it early. Which means that TPTB's objections are not only possibly invalid but incredibly hypocritical. Welcome to the big time, kids! Call your lawyer before signing anything.

And finally, I wish to point out that the insistence on creating a gender-balanced final 12 is specifically designed to let some singers through who simply don't deserve it; not that these finalists (necessarily) don't deserve to be there, but this structure forces the top 12 to fit a specific picture rather than sort itself out naturally. And I'm shocked to realize that that means that TPTB have very possibly given themselves a worse top 12 than they would have if they had simply let people get voted through on their own merits. And that, my friends, is just plain stupid for a show that purports to be a popularity contest.

Last dance, last chance by spacecitymarc

Ryan asks Simon, "What do you have to say to the girls as they get ready for probably the biggest night of their life ?" Simon responds, "Well, it's a bit late for advice. You know, we're like seconds before the show." Translation: that was a stupid question and you are a stupid moron. When Simon is done, Ryan says, "Great advice." Translation: you're an asshole for purposely not understanding the rhetorical nature of my question and the fact that it was more for the audience at home than for the contestants. The weird thing is, they're both totally right.

Amanda Avila, "River Deep, Mountain High." She interviews that "Geminis are also very indecisive and I'll never be able to pick which song." Replace that last word with "note" and we've got a deal. She's terrible. It's as though she knows all the things that she needs to do to be a good singer but is simply incapable of doing them very well at all. She also doesn't know how to handle a microphone, as the constant fluttering and switching hands generates a series of annoying pops throughout the entire song. Before giving her numbers, Ryan says, "It does come down to that song and of course those who have followed you along the way," which is exactly the point of the complaints about unequal exposure.

16-year-old Janay Castine enjoys walks in the park and candlelit dinners. Also, she gets together with her girlfriends to watch Sex and the City, drink margaritas and go on spa vacations. You're 16. We know that you're just parroting back stuff you've heard other people say, and we're not impressed. Oh, and she sings something I've never heard and is back to looking and sounding terrified. She's really bad and totally tanks the ending. Paula, however, says, "You have made a lot of fans out here, and it's gonna take your fans pulling you through tonight, because you've had some really good performances up to here." Which is exactly the point of the complaints about unequal exposure.

Carrie Underwood, "Because You Love Me." A bad, boring song, but a good performance. Not to sound too much like Randy and Paula, but I think she may have the best pure voice of the women. That does not, however, mean that she is the best or most interesting singer. Randy tries to invoke his stupid "dog pound" concept, and the guys just leave him fucking hanging until Paula demands that they bark for her lest her head explode from the cognitive dissonance of this thing! That once was! But isn't now! Simon says, "I don't think there's anything that we could say tonight that would change the audience's mind." Which is exactly the point... oh, forget it. This is how they win their arguments, by wearing you down until you give in just to shut them the fuck up. Ryan mentions that she'll have to work with the different theme nights and says, "It'll be hip-hop and country all in the same song. It's been done before, I'm sure." In fact, just this past year, you dink. "Over and Over" by Nelly & Tim McGraw? Kind of a big hit? #1, in fact? Which you should probably know AS THE HOST OF AMERICAN TOP 40?

Vonzell Solomon, "Respect." Starts with "Put your hands together, y'all come on, we're gonna have some fun tonight!" Total meh. Too much of a performance rather than a vocal. I think she became Mario for a song.

Nadia Turner, "Try A Little Tenderness." The transition between the slow and fast parts was incredibly clumsy (the musical director's fault), but she nailed both parts, and I'd love to hear her do the whole thing from start to finish. Simon kills Amanda dead when he tells Nadia that she reminded him of Tina Turner.

Interview break, as Ryan describes Mikalah as "relentless," which… yeah, that's exactly the word, isn't it? Mikalah says, "I think that America has really seen my personality." Honey, the astronauts on the international space station have seen your personality. It's hard to miss: you look down, and there it is.

Lindsay Cardinale, "I Don't Want To Miss A Thing." And once again, the only reason to sit in a stool is so that you can eventually stand up off of it. Drink! I hate the song, but she was great, easily her best vocal yet. I really do love her voice and hope that she makes it through. Paula, meanwhile, can't engage because she doesn't like the song, but as just mentioned, it wasn't a problem for me at all. Also not a problem for me? Words and standing. Then Simon insults her by insulting Ryan, and Ryan (who I think might actually be genuinely pissed, if only a little) retaliates by throwing Simon's water on him, and God help me, he's still a terrible host, but I'm really starting to like him AS A PERSON this year.

Mikalah Gordon, "Somewhere." Not good. Boring. Too low for her, and she has one of the lowest voices of this year's women. Just a mess. Randy says that she's fearless for tackling a song like this, but all it really means is that she tried out for her high school production of West Side Story.

Jessica Sierra comes out blasting! I love her before she even hits the song proper. I wasn't familiar with "The Boys Are Back In Town" before she performed it in the last round of the Hollywood auditions, but I totally see why she chose it both times. Carrie may have a purer voice, but Jessica, it's clear to me, is just a flat-out better singer, and not only has she not flubbed a song yet, she seems to be getting better and better. She's just awesome, and she overtakes Nadia as the woman to beat in this competition. She and Bo are the only two that I'm legitimately excited to hear what they're gonna do.

Marvin K. Mooney, will you please go now: Amanda, Janay. (alternate: Mikalah)

Dancing is the new singing by spacecitymarc

We start with Simon taking umbrage at the Melinda Lira/Joe Murena argument that less airtime puts contestants at a disadvantage: "The audience aren't stupid at home, they're voting people through on whether they can sing well or not." This suggests to me that he doesn't understand the complaint, which is that the contestants with no pre-semis airtime had to perform at a higher level than the others just to stay alive. Argue against that if you must, Simon, but understand the terms of the debate before you try to dismiss it.

Randy, for his nonsense-spewing, offers this: "All these people talking about song choice, just sing the song." Fair enough. Except for the fact that Randy and Paula, not the singers, are the ones who keep saying that. So basically Randy has decided to bitch at the contestants for something he himself said. Moron.

And then the show that thinks its audience isn't stupid bases its pre-song interviews around fucking astrology. Good lord. Then again, considering the psychic they sent the finalists to last year, I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. In the meantime, I can't help but notice that four of the guys are Tauruses. And then I wonder if [product-placed car company] has something to do with this stupid little gimmick.

Scott Savol, "I Can't Help Myself (Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch)." Not fantastic, but good. Solid. Deserving of making the finals, certainly. And then, a weird exchange. Simon, who doesn't make one comment about Scott's singing during his entire critique: "The choreography at the beginning was awful." Paula: "You do it!" Simon, delivering the coup de grace: "I'm not a singer!" And there it is. To put this in perspective, consider the following, logically identical argument: "If you think that the woodwork is bad, why don't you do it?" "I'm not the cook!"

Bo Bice sings some Edwin McCain ballad that I don't know because I've tried my damnedest to avoid the guy ever since "Solitude" befouled my ears a decade ago. He's not mind-blowing like the past two weeks, and I'm an eensy bit worried about the Scott Stapp-ness of it, but he's really good and shows off some versatility that suggests that he won't be as adrift during some of the theme weeks as we may have feared.

Anthony Federov sings an upbeat song that I don't know, and it's a smart choice on his part, even though he's being drowned out by the backing singers. It might be his best performance so far, but I remain so utterly unmoved that erosion scientists should plant me on the edge of the Sahara and have Anthony sing to me to prevent more of arable Africa from being claimed by the desert. And then, for the second time this season, and ever, Ryan makes a joke that is actually funny when Anthony says that Travis kicks his butt at chess, and Ryan says, "Thank you for not saying 'ass.'" It ain't Black Adder, but I give him an honestly earned chuckle.

Nikko Smith sings "Georgia On My Mind" and confirms the suspicions that I started entertaining last week, which is the only reason for a contestant to start a song on a stool is so that they can stand up off of it in the middle. I implore Jacob to make that a "(Drink!)" from now on. Other pointless showman move: taking off his hat and placing it on the mic stand. Aw, the stand is cold! I wonder if it's bald. Oh, right, the song: it's a pretty decent version, if a little too low for Nikko's range.

Travis Tucker dances "Every Little Step" and in so doing, forgets to sing it. He's working his moves so hard that not only does he miss notes, he drops some of them entirely. I fear that the beatbox break guarantees himself a spot in the top 12 that could go to someone else.

Mario Vazquez does "How Can You Mend A Broken Heart," and it seems, honest to God, like the first time I've heard him actually sing rather than simply preen onstage. It's a good performance, not nearly as annoying as I usually find him, but he's got that boy-band tenor that I personally don't like. Simon has clearly taken some of Paula's Babble pills, with a double dose of Redundalin, as he tells Mario, "You have a charm about you, and that's part of your appeal." In other news, Lindsay is very pretty, which makes her attractive.

Constantine Maroulis, having previously more or less offered to whore himself out to any bullshit genre the show wants to throw at him as long as it means that they'll let him stay in the competition, sings "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic." He's just bad. There's not a lot more I can say about it. It's like if you ask me to explain why I think that 2001: A Space Odyssey and Saving Private Ryan are two of the greatest movies ever made; I can make a few attempts at logical justification, but they ultimately just hit me so far down in my subconscious that I don't think I'll ever plumb the depths of it, I can only know that this is how I feel, and that arguments to the contrary will not sway me, as that would attack the very fundament of who Marc is and what is the essence of his Marcness. To explain it would be like me trying to explain what "bad" means. I just take it on faith, lest we find ourselves in a discussion on metaphysics.

Anwar Robinson closes with a fine version of "What A Wonderful World." Like most of the contestants of both genders, he has trouble in his lower range, but I really do think that this is the best we've heard from him so far.

Go home: Travis Tucker. Other than that, as long as Bo is safe, I kinda don't care.