AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Click here to create a new post, edit your post by clicking the 'pencil' icon.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

First Elimination (or, Oh, God, this crap has really started, hasn't it?)
by spacecitymarc

Ryan begins the show by telling us how the contestants got to this point. So wait: stuff has happened before tonight? Why haven't I heard of this until now? I find that peculiar.

Cow girl! I find myself missing her immensely.

Ryan very quickly blazes through his intro of all three judges, which I suspect has something to do with the fact when he introed them individually last night, there was a smattering of applause for Randy and Paula while the crowd went nuts for Simon.

I'm not a conspiracy nut, but I just can't help but notice that while Paula is babbling before they talk to the contestants, there is an almost subliminally quick shot of Carrie before they showed the entire women's group. It was very fast and almost certainly just an editing screwup in the control room, but it was definitely there.

Simon tells us, "The audience at home aren't stupid. They know when someone's not good enough." Doesn't that contradict everything that this show has ever done? Also, if true? How does that explain Ryan's career?

They show us Simon's horrible comment to Amanda last night, as if it was an OUTRAGEOUS! comment by irreverent, irreverent Simon instead of a disgusting, possibly litigation-worthy embarrassment.

It's back to the hate train for me, as Mikalah yanks her hand out of Janay's when she finds out she's safe. Selfish, awful slag.

I'm not particularly saddened by Melinda Lira's departure, but I love her closing comments about how she probably got booted because she wasn't spotlighted nearly as much as some of the other contestants, since she's basically taking the whole bullshit nature of the process and the pimping to task. Which is kinda bitchy and self-important but kinda awesome.

And as Ryan wonders which of the guys will leave before throwing it to commercial, I find myself hoping that whoever it is decides that he wants to sing himself out with "The Power Of Love."

I'm finding Constantine just a little fascinating tonight. First of all, I'm pretty sure that his saying that he got a bit of guff for people thinking that it was he, not Ryan, who told Randy to "stick to rapping" was totally a shout-out to TWoP. And second of all, looking at his reactions to everything that was going on, I think he's suddenly realized how very much he wants this, and I'm almost positive that he hates himself for it. That, right there, almost counteracts how much he sucks, as far as I'm concerned.

Jared Yates is booted. Ryan asks, "Simon, anything constructive for Jared?" Simon: "No." And that's the end of that, apparently. Sarah Mather, on the other hand, gets actual encouragement from Simon when she's booted. And then what happens next astonishes me, as Ryan lands one of his very few successful attempts at humor by pointing out that she now has to sing the song that the judges all just told her was a horrible choice because that's all the band has prepared.

I was originally prepared to call Ryan a flat-out liar (rather than merely a dick) during Judd Harris's bullshit ejection process, but a quick rewind of the tape reveals that Ryan only told the front row, "I made you do all the work last time. I want you to sit there and relax." Oh, Ryan Seacrest, how you tease with your mastery of semantics! Like Sarah, I'd've preferred that someone else leave before him, but I can see why he's gone.

And then Paula calls "Travelin' Band" a novelty song, and I just wanted to shake her until the pills pop out. It's… it's like this, people. That song comes from Creedence Clearwater Revival's Cosmo's Factory, which is, quite simply and without hyperbole, one of the best rock 'n' roll records ever made. And "Travelin' Band" has humor in it, sure. But to hear Paula Adbul – the woman who gave us a duet with a fucking cartoon cat – call it a novelty song is insulting and ignorant. So I'm more pissed off at that than at any of tonight's results or bullshit.

Anyway, losers-wise, I'm currently batting .500.

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Blogger katiedid sez:

Sheesh, I didn't even notice Mikalah pulling her hand away. Good catch. (I was so bored by the entire thing, I decided to unload the dishwasher and mop the floor. I just listened to it.) What an unctuous little twit. So glad she's gone, too. I share your contempt for Paula and her idea of a "novelty" song. I thought I heard her say that, but just assumed I heard it incorrectly. Sheesh.

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Jumping the Snark ...
by JazzieCazzie

You know you're in trouble when a show is so mean and so harsh that even the TWoPers are dumbfounded and gobsmacked.

All I can say is that I hope that the reason behind last night's episode was something that wasn't apparent to the naked eye (oh, I said naked). Like, Judd Harris is actually not the pretty cool, nice, not-terribly-talented but fun-to-be-around guy he appears to be, but is in truth a complete and utter tool, which is why they devised this particular Very! Special! Elimination! for him at the last minute.

I'd hate to think that he was the unwitting and random victim of American Idol 4's attempt to be the new Apprentice, replacing "you're fired!" with an abrupt "you're out!" (unless they're saying it to Constantine).

I'll admit I thought in the past they tended to get way too syrupy with their sing-outs and farewells ... but this went too far in the other direction for me. I had no particular affection for any of the four who left last night, and in fact was dewy with relieved perspiration at the fact that MyPretendBoyfriendTravis lived to sing another night (and hopefully he'll do something uptempo and fun! fun! fun!). But I didn't think any of them deserved last night's treatment either ... (OK, Constantine did. And so would Mikalah have) ...

I am hoping that TPTB will see the stunned reaction of most viewers and rethink some of the decisions they made this week .. decisions like leaving Simon's "microphone" comment in there after editing (I am not easily offended but that was just out of line completely and I felt for Amanda and her tepid giggles). Decisions like ... well, pretty much every one they made ...

And quite frankly if I hear Randy and Paula say anything about "poor song choice" and "you just didn't bring it dawg" one more time I really will watch the whole thing on mute. As much as I hated Simon's comment about the mike, and hated even more their choice not to edit it out since it seemed pretty off the cuff, at least he doesn't use the same drivel over and over again (though I am pretty sick of the bad hotel lobby singer line by now, especially when used about Travis).

I don't think Jared or Melinda's departure came as a shock to anyone, and the fact that Melinda WAS so surprised leads me to believe that had she remained we might have seen a bit of the Diva ... but I totally loved her calling the judges/editors/show out on the fact that her total lack of airtime might have hurt her ... I'm guessing now that these kids probably had no clue (or little clue) as to who was going to get the lion's share of the pimping once it aired ... I remember last year wondering when we saw Latoya if she had sat there during all of those episodes leading up to the first showdown on live TV just stunned that they didn't show her at all ... I got the feeling that Melinda may have thought that she would be shown more and didn't realize she wouldn't until she actually watched the show. Anyone else get that vibe?

Those idiot judges can babble on all they want about how all that notwithstanding, if she didn't "bring it" she wasn't going to move on ... but they were missing the point. No one can tell me that if we had seen as little of Mikalah (I only wish) as we'd seen of Melinda, that she would have still moved on with that godawful performance Tuesday night. The only reason she is still alive is that some idiots somewhere actually think she funny and charming and are "fans" of hers ... and that was the point Melinda was making, that certain people had already developed fanbases.

Mr. Cazzie is sad that his pretend girlfriend Sarah (the brunette Michelle Pfeiffer) will no longer grace his screen. I think he's turning his attention to Lindsay now ... by the way, is it just me or did she miraculously grow Julia-Demato-like dinners in the space of a week? Now we know why she grabs her boobs when she's singing ... she has those little chicken-cutlet thingies they sell to stuff your bra and she's afraid they are going to fall out of her lingerie top. That said, I actually liked her a lot ... at this point I can only stand three of the girl singers. Nadia (LOVE Nadia, she is totally Cazzie Lite's favorite girl and mine too), Aloha (I reserve the right to change my mind on this one, if she turns too much into the second coming of J-Hud) and Lindsay, because she seems like someone I would hang out with and I like her voice.

I am also stunned that Judd really finished in the bottom two of the vote. If I could only figure out where I put that tinfoil hat from last season ... I know it's here somewhere.

And if I hadn't mentioned it ... I hate Constantine. And his ass face.

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Blogger JazzieCazzie sez:

I'm sure there is a way to edit my own post but I haven't figured it out so may I just give my hubby cred for this prediction of ouster:
"Mr. Cazzie: Jared and Scott, because I don't think he will be enough people's favorites to vote him through, or else Jared and Judd"

Blogger Swoopin sez:

There's a little pencil icon below your published post. If you click on that you can edit.

Now, first, I was also pleased that Pretty!Travis! was still standing at the end of that horror last night (and when I rewatched I thought he was much better than they gave him credit for--and not even remotely out of tune, Simon, so I call bullshit there). Long live Travis!

What I really wanted to say, though, was that I was also really annoyed by the repeated microphone comment--Mr. Swoop made some pretty pointed comments about how if any man in any workplace said something like that to a woman they'd be fired immediately. There was no need to show it again. It was offensive the first time and doubly so the second. But I think in some weird way that comment may have saved her--I suspect she got a lot of sympathy votes based on that.

Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

I too was appalled that they chose to take the 'any buzz is good buzz' approach by repeating the mic comment.

Though Swoop, ya might be right and in an even odder way he may have meant it in order to do just that. Simon knows he's untouchable.

Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

BTW I just updated/added some 'how to' stuff to the FAQish about how to post/edit/etc, I also added a line to the header to tell people how to reply to messages.

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Guess Who's NOT An American Idol?
by Wandering Snark

My latest speculation is that they'll finally unveil the final steps in their newfound 'accentuate the negative' approach next week.

See, it's not enough to take a bunch of wide-eyed kids chasing down the dream that one of them will get to live: 'being a star'. It's much better to do it this way and make it about everyone who no longer has any chance to reach their dream. Don't make it about who's going to be the next Idol make it about who's next to go home!

So next week; the unveiling of the new show name: "Guess Who's NOT An American Idol?"

It will be a lil somefin like dis:

"Welcome back to 'Guess Who Isn't An American Idol?' the show were one person will live their dream of becoming a star some time months from now... but before that happens let's meet the contestants who haven't been sent home yet! 'Welcome gang, as you know four more of your dreams will be snuffed out like a candle by midweek!' We'll then let you sing for the fans you obviously don't have enough of to make the next round, because not enough people like you. Now, let's see our first performance while you at home 'Guess Who Isn't An Idol!' ahh but first these words from our multitude of sponsors, so many in fact we're taking breaks that are twice as long as usual!"

"Okay America, who is the next boy or girl who you will declare is NOT the next American Idol by your non-votes? Look at the contestants on the benches over there now because soon four more of them will know they are NOT the next Idol. They'll be gone, history, outta here, a loser, going back to their pathetic little life never to be warmed by a spotlight ever again. Yes, they'll be just like the last kid picked in gym class! They better pack their bags! Hey, they don't have to go home but they can't stay here. Nobody loves them..." Next on 'Not an Idol'!'

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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Drawing The Line...
by Wandering Snark

Yes AI; I admit to being your bitch. You use me, I use you... we have a wonderfully dysfunctional realtionship. We represent Amurica... I'm fine with that I guess.

I love the hell outta all my TWoPeeps they're why I keep watchin this garbage, bottom line... but AI I'm calling you out on this three days a week bullshit, as well as interminable hour-long (further) mental abuse of the 'boys and girls'. So, I know you won't like this but I'm not giving you another day.

Take your third day, make it four hours if you want; put electroshock collars on the 'boys and girls' (who are 29) and say 'Okay, now two of you will stop convulsing, remove your collars, pick up the itty bitty pieces of your shattered dreams and say goodbye to America... after the break' but you aren't going to get me to 'buzz' about it.

We gotta draw the line somewhere., so see you Monday, but this is the last you'll get out of me on this newly bastardized Wednesday. I boycott. Take care.

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And Then There Were 20. 20? Gah.
by Phan

Well what can be worse than the zzzzzzzzz performances forced upon us over the last two nights? I know! Let's make this the cruelest fucking results show ever!

I know, I know, they sign up for this, but Jesus Roman, this isn't entertainment at all, and I'm sure as hell am not sitting through it next week. Hello, DVR.

Seriously, this was equable to the results fiasco that ousted the wonderful Lisa Leuschner from her rightful spot in the Top 12 last year.

Melinda Lira is cut, to the shock of nobody. However, she does bring up the controversy of the show: Previous exposure leads to a safety net. And she's right. However, she's the wrong performer to be using this defense. She was incredibly meh Tuesday. Surprisingly, she was better tonight.

BobbleHead Janay Castine survives to blow another day. She is incredibly lucky, cause I would've ranked her about as low as the Romans for her "interpretation" of "I'm Gonna Love You Forever."

Jared Yates is gone to the shock of the... well... nobody. He wasn't the worst by any means, but he did absolutely nothing to deserve a vote. Simon was a huge ass to him, yes, but Paula and Randy annoyed the hell out of me more with their "Song Choice" blah cakes. Shut up both of you, you know damn well that the majority of the people who got cut were cut due to lack of screen time. Three of them (Melinda, Jared, and Sarah) were no better than most of the safe ones. The TV time plays a major role in it. Assholes.

I don't know. It's weird this year. This is pretty much how the elimination shows are anyway, but it seems a hell of a lot more evil. Then I realize, the function of the Semis isn't just to trim the fat, but to promote the best of the best. Granted by the end of the two days we should've had a Top 7 (well now a Top 6 since one of them got cut), but the semi-results were never so drab.

Sarah Mather is eliminated. I'm kinda surprised, but not disappointed. She picked the worst song to showcase her voice. She sucked the energy out it and she was one of the girls who would've benefited from doing ballads.

Then ToolBelt brings up the guys to do two by twos. After this clowning around (sadly without Miickle's aid), he cuts Judd Harris. What? Are you kidding me. A JPL clone who sings well and is just plain better looking compared to the original and America cuts him? Wow. You just never know.

I thought Judd had one of the top 4 performances of the night even with the JuddPL comments, but with all the mehness going on I can see why he fell. With all the knowns giving out poo performances and the top performances being virtual unknowns (Bo, Judd, and Nikko), one of those three was probably slated to go because we had to protect the cute, dying, faux rocking, ugly ones.

Next week:
Males - I'll stick with Travis slated to go next week. I'm surprised he didn't go tonight. And possibly... either Joseph or (sadly) Nikko.
Females - Celena's a goner. I don't know who'll take the second spot though. Maybe Janay.

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Feel My Righteous Anger Burn
by Swoopin

Okay, I got a lot to say and not much of it's pretty.

First, David Brown is wearing a girly head band when the show starts, which is only marginally better than Mario's stupid ass hat, which is still perched on his head, looking for nothing like the famewhore that hat is slowly becoming.

Second, the funniest thing I saw tonight, hands down, was Ryan Seacrest being attacked by a goddamn FLAMINGO. Please. Something big and pink that stands on one leg and preens--clearly it recognized Ryan for the tropical bird poseur he is and went on the attack.

Meanwhile, Ryan, when not talking about barfing on a roller coaster is reminding us of all this stuff we've never seen or heard before. Because we have amnesia and never remember a [i]thing[/i] that happens on this show.

Hi JP! I still want to pinch your cheeks!

Can we please ban the word "journey" from AI. I'm expecting Steve Perry to start wailing on "Open Arms" every time I hear that word. And then Randy will put on his 'fro wig and start twanging a bass and I'll just DIE .

Aaaaand can we can the damned gay jokes while we're at it. Thankyewverymuch.

Paula starts talking about "provoking joy and love" and Young Swoop turns to me and says "don't you be provoking no joy out of me mom, you hear me!" with a totally serious face that is nearly as funny as Ryan and his Flamingo Lover.

Simon tells us America knows when they're faking it. I wait for the camera to pan to ConstantCrud and Potterov Clayclone, but no such luck.

How is it possible that Ryan is still so fucking LAME after 3+ seasons of this crap.

Then we get still more reruns. Six girls only get shown. I am immediately suspicious to see only Vonzelle, Mickles the Drag Queen Clown, Carrie, Nadia, Janay, and Jessica. My anntenae are quivering and my foil hat is firmly in place. And it's a totally cool hat Mario, eat your heart out.

Melinda is cut, which is no surprise. Calling her a "young Kelly Clarkson" is a kiss of death ("We have one of those, next please!").

I'm of two minds about her comments. One, it's totally true that you gotta bring it. So yeah, she wasn't up to snuff last night. But it's also totally true that there are 8 other girls on that couch who got lots of camera time, meaning a bad performance (hello Janay! Hello Amanda!) is more likely to be forgiven. So overall, have a little more class, but word.

Then we get rid of a guy and again with the clip shots but this time we see 8 guys. One of them is not Jared, who got no camera time anyway, so he's gone and that's so "ooh, didn't see THAT coming." Hell, even he saw it coming.

Simon is the assiest ass who ever assed. "Do you have any advice for Jared?" "No." Jared then proceeds to demonstrate that he actually CAN sing, and had he shown one 10th of the passion Tuesday night that he does here he'd be back on that couch. I'll miss your pretty, pretty eyes.

Ryan: "We still have one more guy and one more girl to lose." Me: "Yeah, we'll lose them at the mall near you where Mario and his ridiculous HAT will be appearing soon."

Okay, so now we have the Flashing Lights of Desperate Doom. Christ. Sarah Mathers is cut and Simon is nice to her because she has breasts. Note to Jared: grow breasts for positive, uplifting kind comments. Otherwise, don't let the door hit you buddy.

Sarah sings like the Reanimated Corpse of Julia Demato (tm [b]Shack[/b] and is all "fuck this shit, I was beat by that Barbara Streisand Drag Queen Impersonator and whatEVER." And every time she sings "Get ready, 'cause here I come" the camera pans to Nadia. Jeez, ya think?

Then the real mind fuck starts, and finally, after poor Joe tries to tell Ryan he read his card wrong "No really, it must be me because it ain't Anwar and there's no one left up here, Ryan? Ryaaaaaaaaaaan?" Ryan turns around and basically tells smiling, confident Judd that he's out. And my jaw drops, which I'm sure is exactly what TPTB expected.

Alright, two things. One, why not just put these kids in thumb screws? I'm sure it'd be much more pleasant for them. And two--Paula and Simon did NOT call a CCR song a "novelty song." I am absolutely positive I did not hear them diss a song performed by one of the Greatest Rock Bands EVER. John Fogarty's lawyer will be in touch, you morons.

Seacrest.....please, get the hell OUT already.

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Girls! Girls! Girls!
by wasimmerdude

Ah, the ladies. They certainly are a pretty group, and I thought the group hug for Ryan at the end was so awful and hilarious at the same time. Too bad it was wasted on someone who wouldn't even appreciate it.

Vonzell: fun performance. I really like her tone, but she's got a weaker chest voice/lower register. I thought she sounded a bit frantic at times. I liked her "yeah yeah" section, but the ending was too tame. It trailed off too much, so it was a bit anticlimactic. But in all, it was a fun, energetic performance. A-

Amanda: Yeah, she's purty, but I didn't like her singing. She was pitchy, and sounded sharp for most of the notes. I'm not a fan of vibrato, and hers sounded forced. I didn't like her choruses, which also sounded strained, and especially her "how"'s. She didn't have much control over her voice, and sounded shaky thoughout. C+

Janay: Whoa, that was painful. Her tone is shaky, her pitch is wobbly, her melismas are pretty bad, and I didn't like her choruses. Her body movements were weird, and she looked/sounded like she was going to cry or just really nervous. Her high held notes were weak. I like her, but this was a bad performance. C-

Carrie: Oh man, she's super cute. Then again, I'm such a sucker for the cornfed types. I like her nice, clean tone, but her belty notes sounded strained. When she sang her second "at all" after the first chorus, it sounded way off. Her long held notes were off-pitch. She also had a shaky last note, too. In all, it was kind of a weak performance, because she was trying too hard to belt it out, but she didn't have strong enough control or support. B

Sarah: she sounded very nasal. Her tone is very smooth, but it was almost too much for this song. I kept thinking that she sounds like LeAnn Rimes while she was singing this - that vibrato-free, nasally tone which I think can be very pretty, but not right for "Get Ready." I thought she had a very boring interpretation of what's normally a fun song. She kept doing the same thing with the choruses, and I was hoping she'd vary it up a bit. B

Melinda: way too much ornamentation and vibrato. It was distracting. Her lower range was weak, and she started too low, so it sounded hollow. Of course, during the chorus, she sounded sharp during "lady." Her tone was pretty shaky, and her ornamentation was just too overdone. She did have a nice long held note at the end, however, but I think the judges really heaped too much praise on her. B

Nadia: she had a great stage presence. As people have said, she really seems like the true rocker. I love her pure tone. She didn't sound forced at all, and has a great rockerella sound. It was a lot of fun to see her perform. She had my favorite performance of the night. A

Celena: she started way too low, and you could barely hear her. Never a good sign. Her chest voice is weak, and her belting voice isn't strong enough to support this song. It was a very forgettable performance. Complete meh. C-

Mikkalah: Whoa. I don't like her schtick. Her whole performance was just so showy. She sounds incredibly nasal, just like Fran Drescher. It's not pretty, and I didn't like her whole pursed-lip thing after the first chorus. I don't like her talky parts. She just seems like she's trying too hard to be a "broad," and it doesn't work well for her. I kept thinking her performance was like that of a dragqueen. C

Lindsey: This girl really likes her lingerie tops. And her boobstroking. But she's very cute. Her performance was completely boring. I like her rich, deep, smoky tone, but not with this song. Her vibrato sounded shaky and forced. This song was so incredibly boring and way too slow. It was forgettable. B-

Jessica: I like her husky, silky tone. Her vowels were kind of strange, and she had a weird mouth, probably due to the slight overbite she seems to have. She sounds almost country-ish. I didn't really like this song, because it can be incredibly boring, and her performance didn't add any drama to it. It was perfectly pleasant, but nothing special. B

Aloha: fun. She's cute too. I liked her great control over her voice, and her strong sound. She's got just enough of that rough edge to her voice which makes it interesting. I don't think it's a good idea for the contestants to sing songs where the backup singers do most of the chorus and they only do the embellishments, but she still managed to make this song fun. B+

I think Janay and Celena deserve to go home.
I think Celena will be gone, and anyone else amongst Amanda, Melinda, Lindsay, and Jessica could easily get the boot.

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Tuesday, February 22, 2005

by Swoopin

And now we know who the people who don't deserve to be in the top 24 are, or at least 9 of them.

The first thing I noticed is that Mario is STILL wearing that STUPID hat. Do you suppose he just replaces his whole head every time he changes hats?

The second thing I notice is that Randy Jackson is a.) not from Cleveland, and b.) is not Arsenio Hall, and therefore does not deserve to have a "dawg pound."

Vonzell: Ah, the Beloved Burger King Flames are back! Yay! I liked her energy, but I thought she was a little screamy, and I also noticed she had some enunciation issues. And I thought the ending fell flat.

Amanda: I'm sorry, but I liked Joe's version better last night. Advice: bras are your friends. This was meh and yelly and I thought she sucked. And Simon clearly hopes she does.

Janay: She was awful because she was scared, but what I liked was that the guys totally propped her up at the end and gave her a big round of applause for the power note. That was totally cool of them. I'd like to see her again.

Carrie Overpimped: Tiffany? Tiffany? Get thee to a mall. Seriously, I thought she interpreted the song well, but I thought she was boring to watch and a little yelly here and there. And her voice tightens up the higher up she goes in her register, which gives it a weird tone.

Sarah: Stand. Up. Straight. Damnit. I like her voice, but this was totally the wrong song for it--she hasn't got enough power to sing something like that.

Melinda Lira: The first mystery date of the night. I think her voice is good and that she has nice range, but she is really, really awkward on stage--straddling and bending her knees. And the pleated white skirt made her look really icky.

Nadia: Performance of the night, hands down. So the Stealth Rocker is a girl, eh? I'm on board for the Bo/Nadia duet.

Celena: Mystery date number two. She's so going home.

Mikaylah: Did we suddenly stumble on drag impersonation theme night? Jesus Christ on a bagel, she sang like Fran Drescher, talked like Babs, and did a really bad Bette Midler performance, all in one. Which I suppose is somekind of talent, but Jesus, it's not one I want to see ever again. God Awful.

Lindsay: Will someone please buy this girl a shirt so she can stop performing in her underwear? Thanks. Lindsay's idea of stage presence is to occasionally eye fuck the camera and stroke herself. I liked her voice, but I thought this was dull, dull, dull.

Jessica: I'm giving her points for resisting the temptation to yell. I thought she showed some nuance to her singing, but she also went flat quite a bit. Oddly, I thought her dress was totally a bizarre outfit choice for this song, too. Top of the middle of the pack, I think.

Aloha:I thought she was funny on the couch. "Ryan, Ryan." You know he does that every morning. That said, I liked this. I liked her skirt, which I thought flattered her fuller figure. I think she's got something, but I agreed, for once, with Randy: be yourself, not Beyonce. And for cripes sake, ditch the damned flower.

So Paula learned a new word this year? Niche. Yawn.

Out: Celena for sure, and then, well. Hard to say. Nadia, Aloha, Carrie, Vonzell, and Jessica are probably staying. And Mickles the Clown, alas. Otherwise, it's a crap shoot for the other boot.

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Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

I think 'niche' is the new 'your box'.

And I'm glad to come here and read people's stuff since this '2 to 3 minutes, hang tight' bullshit at TWoP is really all over my nerves.

Blogger Swoopin sez:

You know, I love Twop, but I hate that it's gotten so popular because it crashes more than Paula coming down off the drugs. Works my last nerve, and you never know if your post is going to get eaten. And I think when TAR starts again next week it'll be even worse.

Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

Yeah, quickly becoming a victim of it's own successes... weren't they supposed to be adding capacity or something recently? Hopefully that hasn't taken root yet because if it has then they are reallly in trouble.

Knocking down the servers every night after the show has certainly chopped the page totals for threads though eh? What we're around 15ish for each night?

Blogger Swoopin sez:

They're running around 15 to 17 pages a night, and I'm noticing most of that's coming after 11 EST. And I thought Yahoo was supposed to take care of the capacity problems. Except in my experience, they tend to live up to their name. So maybe not.

Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

Okay... so they claim to have finally put the 'extra server' up; leading to nobody being able to connect at all for probably a day plus... whelll that is one way to cut down on your server load I guess.

We'll see what happens when it comes back up because it was getting pretty fuckin dire this past week.

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It's a Traveshammockery!
by Wandering Snark

So we kick it off Ladies Night and the Cosby Show Jello Intro Dance™ is not really funny but somewhere between pointless and embarrassing... I think part of that is that they expected the girls to move into the 'spotlight' far to quickly wearing heels, so some people just gave up and others looked like they were at the AI Mustang Ranch of Simon's mind.

Through the fires of hell comes Vonzelle. This is a classic 'So What?' performance IMHO. Ya yah yah? No thanks. That sound was all the 'Tasiers declaring you are no 'tasia so step away from the yeah yeahs.

Amanda Aveyecandy: I don't know, was I just dazzled by her being good lookin? I actually was rather impressed with her and thought I'd vastly underrated her... but the judges hammered her. I don't trust word one they say but I was still a bit baffled at the unanimous panning.

So how exactly did Janay make it into this competition? That was [Simon]Ghastly[/Simon] but for some reason I don't think she'll be going home.

Carrie Underwood Overpimped: She's an older Carmen with curlier hair; I'm done with her 'Olivia Newton John in Grease' before she 'rocks out' persona. Even MuppetBoy gets in on the pimpin this time around: 'Brilliant Work!!' Someone care to roll my eyes back over here for me? Thanx.

Sarah Mather is sooooooo fuckin hot... in pictures. On stage? Not so much... as she has completely transformed into a brunette Kimrawhore Caldwell. I used to joke that one day KimC was going to break her neck as she tried to follow the camera as it swooped behind. Similarly Sarah's following the camera down to her knees was just a bit too much. I'm done... and I'd guess you're gone, but can picture you making a good career from being so photogenic.

Melinda Lira Hmm I love when they say she's the best. voice. evar. and we've never seen her before. Simon didn't go that far but I do think it was yet another 'So What?' performance destined to get lost in the shuffle. Maybe the pimping will get her to next week.

Nadia 'Tina' Turner She has the pointy pose already down so that should serve her well; I'm not quite sure why the crowd was so instantly into this performance but it was pretty damn impressive as an overall. See you next week!

Celena 'Norma' Rae When you're drown out by the crowd clapping you've got problems. I wonder if Celena will be a KLo 'start weak finish strong' performer but I think it was more start weak finish meh which won't garner many votes. Don't forget: "Song choice is key important." An early 'favorite' to go home.

Meeeeeeekalah Gordon I'm staying strong and hating this girl; someone's gotta do it I guess it's up to me but I might have help after tonight. HATE. Someone really needs to take the rubberbands off her throat and snatch her voice out of her sinus, better yet just smack the shit out of her so she talks and/or sings with her actual voice not that fucking Cher Meets Betty Boop atrocity that I just witnessed. This was the biggest trainweck ever, pass me the steel wool and bleach to scrub that shit off my brain. It was a travesty and a sham and a mockery. It was a traveshammockery!

Lindsey Cardinale has apparently stolen one of Caaaaarmen's outfits. I hope to see her next week but I'm not holding out a lot of hope. The bottom of the barrel is getting mighty crowded though... not everyone's going home.

Jessica Sierra I'm cheering for 'cause she's a good kid. She certainly looks better than the SinginHobo thing. Oooh, and her singing action figure comes with dramatic hair flippin' action! Heh. Pretty good actually, probably enough to make it to next week.

And We Will Be Saying Aloha To The Show with this performance. I refuse to stand just because you say so. There doesn't appear to be any first or last letters in her singer's alphabet, so I speak in a language she understands: _ir_ _o_ _uc_ . She is also singing into a fan. I feel like a teacher who's caught a student chewing gum. "Okay, stop. Take the fucking flower out of your hair, yeah now go."

My guess: Mehlinda and Norma Rae will hit the bricks but there are very few I would be surprised should they be sent home. I will however be praying nonstop that Mikalah goes home. Please? With sugar on top?

So, I was watching the show back...

The American Cancer Society would like to present this Certificate of Valor to Lindsey Cardinale for showing women on national tv how to do their own breast exam. She is a shining example of strength for her and all generations and we applaud her efforts to raise awareness.

After trying to clear Mikahla's voice, Simon's mic comment and all the pimpin BS that led us to tonight I [Simon]watched the show back[/Simon] and did notice some things:

I really did enjoy watching the 'boys' groovin and being super supportive; especially for Janay when she pulled her shit together a bit. I'd also like to point out (if anyone else 'watches back' as well) that you just have to see resolutely the lite-rock taps into Anthony Boremypantsov's very soul. Phil Collins is so his hero, he was playing air drums and shit at the crescendo part of Jessica's performance.

After looking through nerves and past tonight to what they might contribute down the road I would eliminate Vonzelle and Mehlinda (who won't go home because of the combined Clarkson/Trias vibe voting blocks). That is of course without even suggesting the folly of Meekalah going home since she'll be this year's Jasmine, regretably.

I think all of Janay, Celena, Sarah and Lindsey with better songs and less nerves could still challenge for spots if they make it to next week that is. Sarah and Lindsey are probably the most tenuous because they just didn't impress while Janay screwed up big enough to get the sympathy vote. Celena very well may be robbed. If you 'watch it back' and aren't still basking in the glow of Nadia's awesomeness you can appreciate that quiet (not weak, mind you) beginning Celena had to her song that she actually did quite well with.

Speaking of Nadia, her hair weighs more than her torso I think...

Aloha did have a lot of energy but it's a bit inaccurate to call that 'singing'. Also, she was frighteningly close to a 'wardrobe malfunction' as her jacket pulled the top of her dress practically off.

With mind cleared of any AI editing shenanigans coming in Carrie was actually kind of charming, and her little freak-out squirms/dances in respose to getting good comments from the judges were kind of endearing. I'm going to give her another chance; but I was still kind of half-chuckling that she was doing effin Tiffany. She sooo should have worn a sweater skirt.

Also funny was after AI I watched Veronica Mars and their school dance was an 80's theme (yes, making me feel old) so I thought of Carrie's Tiffany cover. I also thought back to our referencing Jacob doing a Duckman version and 'Tenderness' and voila Duncan was totally like channeling The Duck, like ohmigod!

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Let's Hear It for the "Boys"
by wasimmerdude

(Sorry this is a day late, but I'm on the West Coast, and don't get to see the girls go at it for another hour.)

Ah, the start to another round of semifinals. Unfortunately, last night's show was very underwhelming, given that this is supposedly the best group of guys ever.

Nikko: great upper register, nice control. I really like his voice, and think he sounded a LOT like Stevie. However, he was a bit shaky at times, it sounded like. I did like him a lot nevertheless, and hope his being first doesn't cause people to forget how good he was.

Scott: great tone. He really does sound effortless, like many people are saying, but there's just something about him that bugs me. Probably because he was so creepy during the Hollywood round, or just because he looks a bit different than what I'd expect from his voice. But, I have to concede that he's got a really sweet-sounding voice.

Anthony: pitchy at places, weird diction, overdoes the vibrato, and sounds sharp. He sounds like he's trying too hard, so he often sounds forced. Don't like the split-screen pimping.

Bo: I've liked Bo from the beginning, admittedly at first because he was pitted against Constantsuck, whom I loathe. But, tonight, he tore that shit up. His performance, though a bit shaky at first, was awesome. It was a great song choice, which forced the audience to start clapping along, which is always good. He definitely knows how to work the crowd, and had great stage presence, despite working the dump-squat every now and then. Awesome. By far my favorite performance of the night, and he seems like a really nice guy to boot. Yay!

Travis: nice voice, but boring. The arrangement was awful, but it was just a completely unmemorable performance.

Constantine: HATE. Hate the eye-fucking, hate his smug face, really dislike his voice. I don't like his vibrato, since it highlights the fact that he has no control. He's sharp and wobbly. He sounds like he's trying not to sound too broadway, but you can tell that that's his normal inclination. He's just plain affected. I tried every now and then not to look at the screen, since his face pisses me off so much and I wanted to listen to just his voice without any negative influence. But, he still sounded awful. Ugh.

David: sounded sharp and pitchy. It was a boring song, too repetitive.

Jared: sounds whiny. Too much vibrato. Boring. Completely forgettable.

Anwar: too much vibrato. I almost thought he sounded like a woman while he was singing. Very gospelly. He's got a nice voice, and though I'm not normally a fan of overdone melisma, I did like his runs at the end. But, it was funny, especially since the clip they showed was of the judges praising his not overdoing the runs, as WanderingSnark pointed out earlier.

Judd: Like many people say, he really rocks out more than the "rockers." First Mustang Sally, then this? I really like his taste in songs. Shaky tone, though - it goes between smooth and overly growly. But it was a fun performance, and his voice is pretty good.

Joe: Cheesy, but a perfectly acceptable perfomance, I think. I really like his tone, if he'd get rid of the vibrato. His voice is dammmmmn smooth (quoting WanderingSnark, again), and I like it. Great tone, but he made some weird faces, which were distracting.

Mario: nice high register, but can sound a bit sharp, almost desperate sounding. I like his clear tone, but too much vibrato. He almost sounds tinny in his upper register. I don't hate him nearly as much as I initially thought I would, and I've actually grown to kind of like him.

I think Jared and David deserve to get the boot.
I have a feeling, though, that Nikko will be going home.
I would give my left leg for Constantcrap to get the axe, but I highly doubt that will happen. Grr.

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Commentary from Casa Cazzie
by JazzieCazzie

Cazzie Lite couldn't figure out why I had my reporter's notepad with me as I flopped on the bed to watch the show ... but once she realized she was being quoted she got into it, as did latecomer Mr. Cazzie ...

INTRO: These boys really are all hot (except Constantine). I actually might like them all (except Constantine) And some of them have the good sense to look appropriately embarrassed by the dorky intro (except Constantine ... in fact, I am starting to think that the term "except Constantine" could just be inserted everywhere, at the end of fortune cookies, etc., much like "between the sheets"). Other random thoughts ... I still think that Anwar reminds me of a Sesame Street character ... If Travis doesn't make it here, Abercrombie and Fitch could sign him to be a superstar model (or better yet, Hains or Fruit of the Loom! Heh) ... I've already forgotten what Jared looks like.

No. 1 in your scorebooks and on your screen, Nikko Smith: Hey, I am a baseball writer so needless to say I am already liking l'il Nikko (I think I might even remember seeing him in a tiny Cards uniform on old father-son-day highlights, but I might be thinking of Tempy II). Luckily he is the kid of a player I always liked (everyone liked Ozzie, the ultimate class guy). ... Anywa, he is soooooooooooo cute. He's clearly untrained, just a guy who has probably always had a good voice and everyone liked listening to. He's really flat in a lot of spots and I was concerned he might be out of his league (no pun intended), but in retrospect almost every guy ended up pitchy in spots so in the greater scheme of things he wasn't bad at all. And he is soooooooooooooooooo cute.
Cazzie Lite on Nikko: I liked him a lot. He's cute and he has good fashion sense. But he was kind of flat.

Scott Savol: He is somehow not as creepy Slingblade as usual tonight. In fact, honestly, he seems like a cool guy and my GAWD does he have a spectacular voice. I think when he is done here he should sign with Disney to do voiceovers. He will never be attractive. They will never be able to give him a Claykover. Re: his song choice, am I the only person who ALWAYS thinks this is "Shannon" about the dead swimming dog for like the first two or three lines??? ... This was the first time of the night (of many to come) that I wanted to bitchslap a judge. When Simon said "You don't look like an American Idol" and Randy challenged him "What does THAT mean?" Oh come on, Randy. What do you think it means? Stop talking just to hear your own voice. Please.
Cazzie Lite on Scott: He has an incredible voice and you know what, I love him even though he's scary-looking.

Anthony Federov: He really reminds me of someone and I can't think of who and no, it's not Clay. While I thought he would go far from the audition episodes, and we all know he's been pimped, I thought he was totally underwhelming tonight and wonder if his train may lose some steam. To me, he's sort of the John Stevens IV of this season but legal and less interesting ... a one-trick pony whose ride is "emotional love song singer." I suspect he has zilch versatility and he's just boring. My first indication that the judges don't love him as much as they used to was NO mention all night of his tracheotomy.
Mr. Cazzie on Anthony: He's "Cleh."
Cazzie Lite's commentary watching Anthony (remember she's 14, his target audience): Oh, he's really cute! He looks like Ricky Ullman (a Disney actor)! He's ... not ... very ... good. He's ... ow! Oh! Make him stop! Oy gevalt! Just not very good.

Bo Bice: His hair is pretty. Mr. Cazzie thinks I want to run my fingers through it but he's wrong. I just want to know what shampoo he uses. He is very endearing and non-posery on the Coca-Cola Couch (TM someone funny). He's got a very Dan Fogelberg vibe to him (when I was Cazzie Lite's age, I used to get on line at dawn at Avery Fisher Hall to buy Dan Fogelberg tickets so I could have front row seats .... I am very sad to hear he's dying). There is absolutely NOTHING he has in common with Constantine other than long hair and age. ... Re: performance. I don't particularly like this song and I don't think he is anywhere near as good as they are pimping him out to be, but I like him enough to be happy to see him hang out awhile longer (though the fact that he has 35% of the vote at scares me). ... Why is he standing funny like that? He looks constipated. But Cazzie Lite the guitarist tells me this is the "guitar power stance" and he just doesn't have his guitar which is why it looks odd. I wanted to like him but I was underwhelmed by his performance.
Cazzie Lite on Bo: He yarls. He sounds like Scott Stapp from Creed. I don't like this song either. I like HIM and I think he's probably good but I don't like yarling. And Creed sucks. But he has a great name.

MyPretendBoyfriendTravis: I am going to just post what I wrote on TWoP for starters here ... while tipping my cap in verklempt gratitude at being named conductrix of the Travis Truck ...
"I totally agree on the concern about the "safe choice" but in retrospect he was in the majority when it came to picking safe songs and/or safe arrangements (kudos to Anwar for taking a huge chance on "Moon River") ... My hope here is that his approach was "go out there and look gorgeous (done), sing well (done with a few pitchy moments but I'm not sure ANY of the guys lacked those) and make a lot of women fall in love with him and vote for two hours straight (hopefully done)." Then next week, once he's got a familiarity factor going, he can start mixing it up a little. He hadn't gotten anywhere near the face time of a lot of their pimpees so I think safe wasn't a bad decision here (ask me again tomorrow night though). The best thing about living in Our! Nation's! Capital! is officially having him be a hometown boy that Fox 5 News at 10 pimps all night. They showed him hanging out with Sarah Mather ... how sweet. My pretend boyfriend hanging with Mr. Cazzie's pretend girlfriend. ... Anyway, flat notes notwithstanding, how could anyone watch him for two minutes and not be in love with him??? OK, don't answer that.
Cazzie Lite on Travis: I love him, he's absolutely adorable, but he WAS flat.

The C Word: By the time he got to the chorus, he had yet to hit the right note. I am gobsmacked how flat he is, how unattractive he is with his gross unwashed hair and double chin and yellow teeth, and how pimped he is. He just sucks. He's ruining a perfectly good song. If there is ANY justice in this world he will go home tonight but we know it ain't gonna happen.
Cazzie Lite on C: He's not even cute. I don't get this at all.

David Brown: Adam's comparison to KLo is right on target ... and I think for the same reason. He started a rangy song WAYYYYY too low which was usually KLo's problem, and it also explains why they were able to recover so well midway through, because they'd worked their way into the higher range of the song. Bad song choice, though a great song. Mr. Cazzie was SO disappointed because this was his pick to win it all. But we love his phrasing. We're all divided on his shirt (I don't like, Cazzie Lite likes). He recovers well ... but I don't think we saw enough of his ebullience and pipes that won us over early for the rest of America to fall in love with him if they weren't already.

Jared Yates: Who? Seriously, how did this guy make it through and Ross the Hat didn't? He definitely doesn't look or sound like an apple farm boy. He's low-rent Icky Martin. Boring, unmemorable ... BAD song choice (what song was that, anyway?) For the guy with the least face time, he needed to come out and do something really memorable and he failed miserably. That's one of the cutes, now it's a matter of who the other will be ... Simon summed it up perfectly. Bad boy band. I felt bad for him though ... he looked so devastated by their comments.

Anwar Robinson: Oh oh oh oh oh. I love his voice, I love his smile. I love this song. Weird arrangement of it but I love it anyway ... and what I love most is he totally didn't play it safe at all. He has great range and showed it off. He is so safe. But ... that doofy smile for the camera at the end, when they're pimping his number? That was weird. But I love him and he is my second favorite after MyPretendBoyfriendTravis.

Judd Harris: It's Jelvis!!! The Jewish Elvis. If Anthony is this year's JSIV, he is this year's JPL with a slightly better voice and slightly less naievity (sp? sorry). Yes, he's a crowd pleaser and a great performer but I am undecided on his voice. The TWoP posters seem to think he's great but I wasn't of that opinion. I agree with Simon, he is one of these guys who did the "Grease" solo in the high school musical revues.
Cazzie Lite on her Landsman Judd Harris: He's cute, he looks kind of like Derek Jeter, but he's not very good.

Joe Murena: I am the only one on the bed who likes him. I hate the song choice and admit he cracks a lot and has his pitchy moments but I like the quality of his voice a lot. I also like the "flava-sava" (baseball speak for soul patch). He is hot but almost too hot, like soap opera star good looks.
Cazzie Lite on Joe: His voice cracks too much ... I counted nine times.

Mario Fez Vazquez: If he is indeed "the chosen one" as we seem to think, I would be fine with that. I love watching him and listening to him. He's not my favorite but I totally am in like with him. He's adorable and endearing, and has a great combo of phrasing, energy and voice.
Cazzie Lite on Mario: He's hot. He's great. I LOVE him. I don't care if he's gay, I want to have his child, metaphorically speaking. (I think he's her favorite now).

Our predictions for who goes tonight (not who we hope, but who we think):
Cazzie Lite: Jared and Constantine
Mr. Cazzie: Jared and Scott, because I don't think he will be enough people's favorites to vote him through, or else Jared and Judd
Me: Jared and Joe, should be Jared and Constantine

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Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

This post right heyaaahh? Rocks my socks.

Great to get the full Casa Cazzie lowdown!

Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

D'oh! Meant to say that I think CazzieLite is correct about Bo and 'the stance' as even he said he'd feel odd not having a guitar around his neck. It's got to be an odd thing; I bet his hands were wondering why the hell he was singing and all they got to do was hold the mic.

Blogger Swoopin sez:

You know, Swoopin Jr. is also 14 and AI's target audience and her reaction to Mario was "eeww, now he's really skeevy." Interesting how different kids are.

We're all big Travis fans here too. I know you've got dibs for him for tv. boyfriend and all, but I wanted to tell you that your comment about him possibly working as a model--not so far off the mark. He has the right look. I don't know if he's tall enough for runway work, but I'd bet you anything that an agent could keep him booked solid in print work for years.

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Monday, February 21, 2005

My Cherie's A Bore...
by Swoopin

So Ryan comes out wearing a shirt that looks like it has a shiney splatted gold bug on it and all is right with the world.

Nikko: I love the way he dresses, and I thought he did pretty okay with Part Time Lover, but he was seriously out of breath in spots, which worried me.

Serial Killer Scott: The clothes totally blinded me, and then he started doing Ruben's cheeseburger grab and I just shut my eyes and moaned, and not in a good way.

Potterov: Okay, how many Clay tapes has this guy watched? And he has lower register issues, and is so boring I started inventing book titles while he was singing: Anthony Potterov and the Chamber of Tsathungga, Anthony Potterov and the Prisoner of Purple Monkey Dishwater, Anthony Potterov and the Tracheotomy of Fire.

Bo: I admit up front I have a thing for long-haired guys. I think he's hot. And he slayed the Craggle/JPL Drift Away Ghosts with that. That is how that song should be sung, and he was, IMO, easily the best of the night.

Why is Paula's poncho thingie seemingly white one minute and black the next? it's irritating me.

Travis: Oh cherie, say goodbye. That was not good, although I thought he looked hot.

ConstantCrappola: Seal? Are you fucking joking? Ha. And hello, his range is not good--his lower register fades out and he has a screechy falsetto. And I've been trying to figure out who he's imitating for his rocker model and I have finally figured it out. Dude is totally trying to be Jim Morrison and it is so not working.

I'm hating the constant comparisons between Bo and ConstantCrappola, too--there is nothing to compare. Among other things, Bo obviously knows how to apply shampoo to his hair. Oh, and he can sing.

David: He looked terrified to me, and it sounded 1000 ways wrong for his voice. He's got a lot of talent and I'm hoping he isn't cut because he's way better than this.

Jared: Cannon fodder. I'll miss his beautiful eyes. I will not miss his singing, though.

Anwar: When he started, I was kind of WTF? but I was totally into it by the end, even though that jacket was seriously ugly. I liked the R&B arrangement of Moon River, and he has a fabulous voice. Please stay.

Judd: I want him. Badly. I thought this was a wee bit cheesy, but he can sing and move and entertain, and ConstantCrappola? This is how you rock it out. I liked it a lot.

Joe: Still all kinds of hot, but Michael Freakin' Bolton? Bad song choice, but vocally one of the better performances, I thought. He needs to go upbeat and move that hot little...err, sorry about that...

Mario: is officially annointed, even though that suuuuucked haaaaaaard. It was like a bloody Disney teevee video. And how many godawful hats does that man have to torture us with, I ask you?

Best bets for going home: Jared is definitely out, I think, and then either pretty Travis (awww) or David Brown. Although personally, I'd take another week of Jared's eyes over Potterov boring the crap out of me and ConstantCrappola posing all over the place.

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Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

Love the title, and as I mentioned the book titles are awesome.

I had the same intital thought: "Michael Freakin' Bolton?!?!" but intead of thinking of Saved by the Bell, as others did (and btw heh!) I could sense it would cause a lot of people to call in for him.

He is the punchline to many a joke yes, but he still sells records and packs shows with all manner of multi-aged screaming fangirlies(and boyz?). He's resolutely uncool but again your 'average viewer' is no way as cool and discerning as the average TWoPer is. I'd guess he and ConstantCreed will both be saved by generic appeal.

Blogger Swoopin sez:

WS, I actually agree with your Michael Bolton comments--the man gets all sorts of grief and he's cheesy as hell, but you know, cheese sells. Although I didn't think Joe was that awful, really, and it'd be ironic if that song actually ends up saving him.

Glad you liked the title. I'm all about puns on song choices, it seems *g*

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It's Raining Meh
by Adam

My DirecTV guide says: "12 Men perform for judges Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and Randy Jackson." That sounds vaguely pornographic. Weird.

What the hell is this Miss America, introduce the 50 states thing at the beginning. How utterly embarassing. I know they've done this before but I don't remember the contestants acting so toolish!

Nikko "Oz Jr" Smith: Anytime he held a note longer than a few seconds, he sounded screechy to me. And of course, with the Stevie - beating us with a bat over and OVER again with Mr. Wonder. Damn. I agree with Simon; it was simply ok and when will Asshat Randy and Asshat Paula learn that it SUCKS when they interrupt Simon.

Scott Savol: Hated it. Falsetto was horrid and I LIKED him before. Paula - "pitch problems? So what" but then she made up for that idiocy with her patented "song selection is key" - drink!

Anthony Federov: Split screen of pimping! Total boyband performance of a Richard Marx song. Gah. Simon is searing tonight and I don't blame him.

Bo Bice: Ooh.. the coveted Coca-Cola pimp couch interview? Interesting. I hate this song but I didn't mind his performance of it at all. Up to this point, he was certainly the most interesting even though he made scary Eddie Vedder faces.

Travis Tucker: I didn't know RW Philadelphia's Karamo was on this show; is he gonna slit someone's throat? Again with the Stevie? *Bangs head* This was bland and the background singers totally drowned him out on the "la la la"s - Ashlee Simpson should take note.

Constantine Maroulis: Started off really scratchy and trailed off into nod-away land at the end but the stuff in the middle was decent. I didn't know "smarm" was considered "charisma" - whatever.

David Brown: Was he nervous or something? He pulled a good-singer-implodes ala K Lo's Burger King commercial from a couple of seasons ago. Plus he was pigeonholed into the middle-spots of meh. I sense danger.

Jared Yates: It's RJ on TrimSpa wearing women's clothing. I fell asleep about 30 seconds in so I can't really comment about the whole thing.

Anwar Robinson: Does he have plastic on? Bizarre song choice but he sang it well. He's definitely the "diva" of the men.

Judd Harris: I'm not a girl (shut up Simon) but I liked him - he didn't pull a Jon Peter Lewis while spazzing out all over the stage and forgetting to sing. However, I DO think he could've picked a better song and I'm surprised they didn't haul out the "karaoke" descriptions. IMO, he was slightly above average and I think (hope?) good enough for another week. He gets bonus points for just SOUNDING different.

Joseph Murena: Oh no. Dude? Michael Bolton? Seriously. I'm afraid it was a bad Nick Lachey impersonation. I think a different ballad would have been much more friendly to his

Mario Vasquez: I'm sorry, I think I just caught my cat in the rolltop part of my desk. Oh wait - that's just Fez Guarini's singing. If Joseph was bad Nick Lachey, this was bad Justin Timberlake. The best? THE HELL?! The fix is in people and I hate this show.

I hope the smokin' hot Amanda Avila, the lovely Nadia, and Baby "V" Solomon bring it tomorrow night and cure the meh-blues!

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Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

Hallelujah, it is indeed raining meh.

I forgot how much I love it when Paula say stupid shit like "You had pitch problems but so what". "It was really a bad song choice, you had a lot of problems, and a rodent sprung from your mouth as you were starting but I think your fans will forgive you. You're magical." Heh...

Good point on David Brown it had a lot of similarities to KLo's; I kind of hope he survives for that reason; some of these guys sucked and you could tell there's no chance it gets better from here. David might pull it together like KLo but he's gotta get enough votes to go on and I don't know if he will.

I'm with you on Mario, cat in a roll-top desk is a great description. It was so hideous and strident and choppy all-over the place I think my brain turned my ears off half-way through out of self preservation...

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Boy Band Blahs
by Wandering Snark

Seacrest sez: "It's a good thing you're hooked because..." and I hear him saying 'we're going to be on daily!! You'll barely have time to eat and shower in between!'

The dance-tro is going to quickly become a TWoP snark-favorite! Whodathunk that David Brown could move like that?? Damn church boy!!

Nikko Smith Style 9, singing 6. I felt he hit that kinda 'taught' sounding upper end and just stuck there with nowhere to go... I'm routing for him but, he's gone.

Scott Savol I wouldn't have picked him for 'sappy ballad' detail but his voice really is pretty effortless. I wouldn't quite say 'voice of an angel' as some people have but good enough for this week for sure.

Whoa, it's wierd that we are talking to Bo but then it's a jarring cut to "and here's Anthony."

Here's Anthony Boremypantsov as I thought could happen he became the carpet the rest of the group trampled upon... boredom thy name is Anthony.

Go Bo GO! Is it obvious enough that this guy is the best overall 'musician' we've had on this show or what? He kicked this things ass, though it was a bit of an odd place to start the song. I still give him huge points for "I wish I had a guitar strapped around my neck and was singing original songs but..." since I don't think there's another contestant except maybe Anwar (not sure if he writes though) that could do that. Bo kicked ass, plain and simple.

JazzieCazzie's Travis Why are your feet nailed to the stage when we know how you can move?? I see trouble ahead.

ConstantCreed I actually liked the song choice but he was truly all over the place and the start of the song was always a few notes ahead of him. I still think he's a gigantic poseur.

David Brown If you could lift moments out of this performance you could piece together something impressive but the uneven nature of that performance may sink him in the long run.

Jared Yates Simon intros saying 'You have presence' and then Jared comes out singing in slow motion and he's drowning into the watery grave opening behind him on the AI-tron. We have a serious contender for 'Most Boring of the Night'.

Anwar Robinson Needed to not bore us but this peformance should have been preceeded by passing out pillows to the audience. What a bizarro song choice, and way to go crazy on the last note after being complimented on not 'doing runs all over'. ON pure talent alone he should make it, unfortunately this show isn't about talent...

Judd Harris Damn I want this kid to do well! As I've said before, this kid is more of a rocker than Constantine. This performance was a JPL-ish nightmare though; I thought it was too much repetition in his portion of the song. He sounded really rough and growly too... but it was nowhere near safe so kudos. I still want to see him over the boredom brigade next week.

Joseph MurMiniEnrique I am being deafened by the chorus of shreiking teeners... his background track is a freakin' nightmare, it sounds like someone 'playing wine glasses'. His voice is dammmmmn smooth with more power behind it than others of the BoringBoyz.

Mario Fezquez aka Sir Pimpedalot I saw people betting he'd be going last; you all get a cookie! Stop channeling DeGarmo with the 'C'Mon people!' bullshit. This performance is a nightmare; and he needed to stop bouncing around long enough to breathe and sing. I... I... just don't know what the fuck. Of course the judges tonguebathe him... for his 'charismar'. As I said, it's not about talent...

Not a great start honestly, I say three good performances... say goodbye to David Brown and Jared Yates y'all.

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Blogger Adam sez:

I agree with ya WS - it was a rather underwhelming beginning for the YEAR OF THE MALE - WHOO! Blah.

I was LMAO at your "wine glasses" description of Joseph(?)'s backing music. There was a live band - I think I saw them in the shadows off to the side. So maybe it really WAS someone playing "wine glasses" ala Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality; my vote is that it was KimberMe Caldwell back there.

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Sunday, February 20, 2005

FAQish: Dude... what the hell?
by Wandering Snark

So, I'd guess there's a lot of that going around?

Well, as people take the chance and file in what are ya supposed to do? What's it going to look like? In general: what the fuck? Fair question. Real answer:

Whatever the posters/readers make it.

First off: Blog usage tips:

I've actually made a lot of changes to the site template to make all the quirks more clear as for posting/responding/editing so I porbably don't need to go into detail on that anymore. The main page now has a link you can click to make a new post. Click on the 'pencil' icon to edit your own posts.

Also, the site uses 'real' html code not the [b][/b] TWoP code. Paste your messages from TWoP by copying your text from your post as it appears in the thread itself; it will pick up all your bolding/italics etc. so you don't have to change your ['s to <'s. Yeah, I totally figured that out on accident.

About the Retreat itself:

The starting point idea of mine is to get those of us that tend to write longer-form episode recaps at TWoP and have them post what they do there here. Having them all together would be cool... I feel sometimes that the long posts get skipped basically. People spend (taking myself as example) a lot of time on them so it's another place to give those posts life.

What you'll see here will be posts by a group of TWoPer's and comments from anyone who reads them. If you just want to read & respond you're all set, let anyone know we're here!

If you want to be able to make your own initial posts I just need your email addy, then I'll send you the 'official' message to get you set up. My email is 'minstrel007 at sbcglobal dot net' that's 007 like James Bond... (spelled out so it doesn't get broadcast to the spamming robots of the world) You can then reply as well as make your own 'first posts', whenever you want. Go for it. Now? You bet!

If you want to post anything else? Go for it. If you want to post an even longer diatribe that wouldn't make it under the 'length of post' standard at TWoP? Go for it.

Cool? It's an open invite to anyone who knows how to get here, we'll see where it goes. Feel free to invite anyone to come by! Questions? Comments? Recipes for tasty snacks? Reply here or email me direct.

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Blogger Adam sez:

Dude, I totally understand what you mean about the longer posts. I know I personally read every post in the eppy threads at TWoP but sometimes, especially new people, will say the same thing I posted like ten pages ago. And it's like? Damn.

I'm new to the whole Blogger thing but I think I get it now (look, don't laugh at me - I may cry like TammyWynette (!) Nash from AI) so cool. This should be fun.

Anonymous MSat sez:

I'm in, O Snarkish One. The longer posts on TWoP are my raison d'etre. Metaphorically speaking, of course. There's nothing worse than writing a painstaking recap of your thoughts on an episode only to have the person right after you regurgitate what you said....or respond with three words. Gah! This is an excellent idea.

Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

Excellent! You never know how people will take to blind invites; or if they even have an email they actually check listed via TWoP. So as I've said feel free to invite anyone to come out ya want. You run this place as much as I do.

Glad to hear people feel the same way here; my second post to a show thread is always this long string of quotes plus comments mostly pulled from the long posts 'cause I dig 'em and know they get skipped over a lot. Pulling one of those together was when I first thought of this.

MSat; I'll need your email addy so I can get you 'first post' ability.

Blogger uagirl sez:

Yeah, I feel so special to be invited, and this is a great idea! How in the world do I send you my e-mail address though?

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