AI Recapper's Retreat

The Retreat spawns from the Television Without Pity American Idol Forum. Primarily for your longer form recaps, a place outside of the flow of the crazy episode threads. This way we can enjoy/comment/encourage/rationalize these long posts more easily. We spend the time on them, here's another spot for them to have 'life'. Not a forum replacement but a sub-set: Post there, paste here! Or more? We'll see. Oh, and NO SPOILERS! Welcome back for a new year of soul crushing pimping of Chosen Ones. -WS

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Friday, March 04, 2005

The Great Divide: The (So-Far) Season in Retrospect
by Phan

It's the 16th episode of the season (wow, time flies) and we're around the actual halfway point.

In one week, the Top 12 will be duking it out in the Finals. However, this is the year TPTB have been revealed to not only us, the forumites, but the casual viewers as well. Two of the eight cast-outs have called the show on it's over-the-top favoring of contestants. There are four categories as I see it.

The heavily pimped: Carrie, Constantine, Anthony, Scott, Mario, Mikalah, and the recently booted David.

The moderately pimped: Amanda, Travis, Vonzell, Lindsey, Anwar, and Janay

The contestants editing almost left out: Nikko, Jessica, Nadia, Judd (booted week one), Sarah (booted week one)

And the Hey, Who are they? contestants: Bo, Joesph, Jared, Celena, Melinda, and Aloha, all of which have been booted, minus Bo.

Carrie, Constantine, Anthony, Scott, Mario, and Mikalah
Amanda, Travis, Vonzell, Lindsey, Anwar, and Janay
Nikko, Jessica, and Nadia

Notice a pattern? Eliminations have definitely correlated with the amount of airtime. Maybe it isn't causing it. My Psych professor likes to use an example of "Ice Cream sales go up as deaths due to drowning go up." Ice cream doesn't cause drowing, but it definitely correlates. I know this argument is being done to death on the forums, so instead of posting about 10 separate messages there, I figured I'd get it over with here.

It is very subjective and hard to analyze this show in anyway. There is the argument that you have to literally be amazing in order to survive in this show, and this should also be true. However, I read posts saying "I voted for Janay/David because of her Hollywood performances and I'm waiting for her to do better" here all the time. If that happens to posters on this board who may vote but not as compulsively as tweenies, imagine how often it happens on the official power dial boards of Idolforums and IdolOnFox with those posters? *Shudder*

I would love to see commentary here on the air-time issue.

Also, another thing I've noticed is that I typically agree with most of the posters on the TWoP boards concerning performance, I'm having a difficult time seeing how it's believed the girls are horribly awful this year compared to the guys. I did think the boys were better than the girls the second week, but not by much.

I think the boys had Bo's and yes, even Anthony's performances on their side which made them seem much better overall. Other than those two, I didn't really see much improvement. The girls were pretty equal to the rest of the boys, but no real stand-outs, and the band really drowned out the girls as well.

Right now I see about eight performers who would make the Top 12 an interesting watch: Bo, Nikko, Anthony, Anwar for the males, Carrie, Vonzell, Nadia, Mikalah for the females. Anyone else (except the annointed one Mario) will have to pull something out in order to steal any other postions. Though I'd say Jessica and Scott might be contenders for a Wildcard-like placement.
My projected Final 12:

Guys - Bo, Nikko, Anthony, Anwar, Scott, Mario. I see Constantine absorbing Nikko's spot though, which makes Baby Jesus cry.

Girls - Carrie, Vonzell, Nadia, Mikalah, Jessica, and at this point ABJ (anyone but Janay).

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Blogger Adam sez:

I agree with ya that I don't see a huge disparity talent-wise amongst the guys and the girls this year other than the fact that TPTB want a guy to seemingly win.

As far as prior airtime goes, I'm in the camp of it doesn't hurt a contestant if they come out guns blazing (ala La Toya) but it certainly hampers any of the sight unseens who come out meh'ing (ala Melinda). The prior airtime thing also forgives bad performances if you wowed during the auditions (saved David Brown a week for instance) because hey? You've already got a fanbase. TPTB were obviously trying to dismiss Melinda and Joe's arguments with Simon's rantings tonight but that's how I feel. While it's not impossible to overcome the early-pimp, one has to really bring it and it also gives an advantage to the pimpee that has an off night.

The only time I've ever voted when I didn't LOVE or at least like a performance is during the final 12, if and when I have a favorite (because Kim Locke's "I Heard it Through the Grapevine blew but by that point, I lurved her). Then again, I'm not a powerdialer so I guess that's sort of irrelevant, lol.

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Thursday, March 03, 2005

Second Elimination (or, Exposure has its benefits)
by spacecitymarc

A big nothing of a results show last night, with a minimum of bullshit, filler or surprise. I suspect that their hijinks last week got such overwhelmingly bad publicity that TPTB opted to simplify as much as possible. Celena Rae is told that she's out in the simplest, most straightforward manner that I think I've ever seen on this show, and it would be wonderful to see it again. Aloha Mischeaux is only forced to jump through one insignificant hoop to be told she's gone and gives a yawnworthy pageant farewell speech.

When they bring out the men and it's down to Joe Murena, David Brown, Mario Vasquez and Travis Tucker, I'm giddy to see that it's a win/win situation for me. Ryan takes the opportunity to make the only snarkworthy comment of the evening, when he observes, "One of these guys has the lowest number of votes, the other has the second lowest number of votes" in reference to four men. Jeez, Clever Hans could count better than Ryan, and he was a horse.* Anyway, Joe and David are out, and when Joe takes the opportunity to pull a bit of a Melinda and complain gently that he didn't get more airtime, I wonder if they cut the show down to a half hour precisely to avoid being revealed as the charlatans and hucksters that they are. Then Ryan talks to David about having had biscuits at his family's house, and I ponder what an odd breakfast that had to have been.

Like last week, I'm not particularly saddened by the way things turned out. I would have liked to hear more from Celena and David, but my affection for her was really only a hunch at this point, and David just hasn't shone since his audition. I flat-out wanted Joe and Aloha gone, on the other hand, so that's nice. You know, for me.

In other, more horrifying news, spacecityotherroommate'sgirlfriend thinks Constantine is super-hot. This is amusing to me, for reasons that I shall keep entirely to myself.

And Ryan has, it appears, tired of his own stupid catchphrase. We can only hope.

So, looking at the semifinalists, I note the following (flower bullets totally not my choice, but we'll call them a tribute to Aloha) [Better now? -WS]:

Saw their auditions:
  • Lindsay Cardinale
  • Mikalah Gordon
  • Nadia Turner
  • Amanda Avila
  • Carrie Underwood
  • Vonzell Solomon
  • Mario Vasquez
  • Anwar Robinson
  • Constantine Maroulis
  • Scott Savol
  • Travis Tucker
  • Nikko Smith
  • Anthony Federov
  • Sarah Mather - first elimination
  • David Brown - second elimination

Saw during "Hollywood" rounds:
  • Jessica Sierra
  • Janay Castine
  • Bo Bice
  • Judd Harris - first elimination

Appeared out of nowhere (i.e., we never heard them sing before the semis):
  • Melinda Lira - first elimination
  • Aloha Mischeaux - second elimination
  • Celena Rae - second elimination
  • Jared Yates - first elimination
  • Joe Murena - second elimination

Now. I'm not going to get all Grassy Knoll here, because I'm not claiming any sort of conspiracy. But when all but three of the surviving competitors were showcased right from the start, and when all five of those who had no exposure at all before making it to the semi-finals have been voted out, Melinda's bitching from last week suddenly takes on extra weight. The sociologist in me (who just won't die no matter what I do) tells me that there is a causality question here: did they get voted out because they weren't given the same airtime as the others, or were they not given the same airtime because they weren't as good? Based on some of the performances I've seen from some of the people who were shown early on, I'm far more inclined to put stock in the former. Which tells me that TPTB have a fundamental problem on their hands.

*Yeah, I know, it was actually a hoax. Clever Hans referenced for snark purposes only, and should not be taken as gospel.

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Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

Heh. Apologies for the 'flower bullets'; I gave that a hearty wtf? too but I guess it ties into the barely noticeable flower motif of the brown backround... I say barely noticeable but it's in an 'is it a vase or two faces' way because once you see them there, there they are.

You mayn't, which is a contraction I just totally made up, recognize them as flowers until you see the bullet and seek a tie in.

That said I'll check to see if'n I can do something about changing them via the templates...

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Wednesday, March 02, 2005

A Kinder, Gentler AI...WTF?
by Swoopin

I knew we were in for big changes when Ryan was all somberly dressed like he was going to a Not Related But Distant Friend Of The Family Obliged To Turn Up Funeral. Then he starts talking about "losing" people again, which really makes it sound like a funeral. Either that or that they didn't keep Creepystine's leash on him at the mall again. Sheesh. Why can't he just call it was it is? Cut. Dismissed. Voted Off. But they're not Lost. They're at home wondering just how many bricks to throw at their teevees.

And surely I wasn't the only one sitting there watching this who fully expected to turn around and find TPTB standing in her living room? Because y'all, Big Brother IS watching us. Ryan calls Randy on the Faith Hill/Janis Joplin thing. There is no torture, no mind-fucking, no distraught sing-outs. It's completely weird, like AI wants to be all, gah, legit or something.

Meanwhile, Simon suggests people "sing what they sing best," and I'm all "but I thought you were supposed to marry Risk?" and then I thought someone really, really ought to remind him of that when Bo is stuck singing "The Macarena" on Novelty Song Night. My head is starting to hurt.

So Celena, who was meant to be cannon fodder anyway, is called forth and politely told she's been voted off. She's very grown up, agrees she ought to follow her dreams as the judges give her this totally useless piece of advice, and then Ryan points out, vis-a-vis Simon's comment last night, that Elton and Celine make a lot of money singing in hotels. He fails to point out that it's not at the local Motel 6 in Podunk USA, alas.

Cut to shot of ConstantScreech looking nervous in the red room. Squirm, bastard. Squirm a lot.

Janay is totally the next Carmen. She's working on her yodel after hours. And where is Aloha's flower? And Vonzelle looks great in that pink top. Really pretty. I'm only slightly shocked to see Aloha go adiosa. Not shocked about Janay, who is going to annoy the shit out of me for another 6 weeks at least, I predict.

Query to self: maybe going first isn't such a hot pimp slot when there are this many people? It would seem this might be, since Mehrio, who is unprotected by The Power Of The Hat, is pulled down with Travis, Joe, and David. He's sent back mighty fast, but I'm prepared to believe he may have actually have been the 4th lowest vote getter. On a pretty good night, he was mediocre and went first. That equals forgettable.

David and Joe are painlessly put out of their misery, and David looks totally resigned. Joe squeaks a bit about airtime (a legitimate gripe) and two prime pieces of eyecandy are gone.

Ryan pimps The Simple Life and we're done. No "Seacrest....out!"? Man,

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Judges - Girls Apparently Have Cooties
by Phan

Theme of the night: The band and it's arrangements are horrible and awful and loud and argh.

Aloha Mischeaux (and I'm very scared as I was able to type her last name without looking it up) starts us off with "You Don't Know My Name" and I really think the girls got reemed tonight by the band, because I've never heard the sound mix this bad on this show, and it was very very consistently off through out the night. And speaking from a singer's perspective (puts on special hat that makes me think I know what I'm talking about) it is impossible to make up for that without ruining any sort of dynamics. Anywho, it's my first time hearing the song, I don't hate her as much as the judges did, but I think their agenda was to really stick it to the women so tonight they'll be all "Boys were FAR better than the girls" cakes.

Lindsey Cardinale follows up with "I Try to Think About Elvis" and oh my fucking god this is a song title? Wow. What the hell? So obviously, this again is the first time I've heard the song and I think it's a totally obnoxious for Lindsey to even attempt and will somebody take an uzi to that fucking band or the sound guy please? She has improved since a week ago (but this might be due to maybe 19Evil springing for a better song book after last week's debacheries) but eh, she'll have to pull something big to stay in next week.

Jessica Sierra sings something that Diana DeGarmo sang last year, "A Broken Wing," and I'll set the "Killing the Fucking Sound Guy and the Band" to Shift-F1 from now on. Anyway, Jessica does fairly well with a song choice I wouldn't have expected from her (probably because I'm surprised anyone but Carrie would do country since she is the Chosen One) but she is very good.

Mikahla Gordon. "God Bless the Child." Oh my. I can't believe this. Her intro made me wish I was Cyclops from the X-Men so I could shoot lasers out of my eyes and into her skull. Then she goes and sings a song I love incredibly subdued and well (for this version of Idol at least). Damn her. I don't understand it. She makes me want her dead one minute and then next I think she's awesome. She must be doing this on purpose. She's a witch! A witch! Maybe it's my love for this song I think to myself, but then I remember the awful awful Kyla Sandulak (Canadian Idol 2) version I heard once so that can't be it. Easily the best of the night.

Celena Rae and "When the Lights Go Down"... I don't know. It's weird. I think she's going, I'll say that. Other than that, I can't pinpoint why she sounds boring on a first listen then good after another.

Nadia Turner sings probably the most boring song I've ever had the (dis)pleasure of sitting through on this show, "My Love." She's boring and I think she even knows it, so she struts around the stage in attempt to not be boring, but the song bores us all. And no, she doesn't have the widest range and she goes and proves that tonight and this is not the time to show flaws.

Amanda Avila goes and sings "Turn the Beat Around" and fine, whatever, it's all karaoke but I still thought she was pretty good. Definitely redeemed herself after last week, and I'm inclined to say it wasn't really out of tune. Then again, what do I know?

Janay Castine comes out and pertifies "Hit 'Em Up Style" with her giant eyeballs, her BobbleHead movements, and her pageant smile and why is she still there? God. Chanel Cole (Australian idol 2 and it is pathetic I know so much about Idol, isn't it?) got booted with this song and sang it 20 times betther than freaking Janay. Then the judges hate her so much and know there is no way that performance is in anyway good at all so whatever. Vote her through. She'll be the Jasmine Trias/Leah LaBelle nightmare of this season. She's getting a pity vote because she can't sing? Wow.

Carrie Underwood countrifies "Piece of My Heart" (which I guess she's doing the Faith Hill version, and that in itself scares me) and is very very average. I really don't think this song will ever be performed well on Idol ever. If Theresa Sokyrka can't sing it (shut up dammit) no one will ever be able to. The judges rip her a new one which shocks the hell out me. And that's all I can say about her.

Vonzell Solomon kills on "If I Ain't Got You" and because of maybe a few screwy (though not awful) lines, the judges reem her too. What the fucking hell? I don't get it. She wasn't as horrible as the judges make her out to be. They act like she just deficated on the seal and threw it at Ryan.

Overall, not an awful night, but the judges would have you think it's Group Two from Season 3 all over again. I think the only thing the girls were missing was a Bo level performance, because I didn't think the guys were as good as the judges made them out to be.
And again, FUCK THAT BAND. After that, they should consider going back to the piano.

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Bo: 2, Nadia: 1
by spacecitymarc

Lackluster evening all around. I blame the snowstorm.

Aloha Mischaux takes the opportunity in her clip to tell us how she really likes chicken. Terrific use of the ten seconds you have to let America know a little bit about you, Aloha. She sings "You Don't Know My Name," working her own name into the lyrics and then just tanks on the head voice parts. Did not like that at all.

Lindsay Cardinale pulls a switchup to sing some fast, horrible country song. She's actually quite good on the first uptempo number we've heard from her, though she lacks a bit of power here and there and the presentation is so cheesy that you could cater a cocktail party with it. But she's pulling it out, vocally, rather than feeling it up, chestally. I still like her, and she's still pretty.

Jessica Sierra, who I've just realized kinda looks like Alison Krauss mixed with Rosanne Cash, sings a mid-tempo country tune, and she's stronger in her lower range than Lindsay. She loses her last note completely, but she's pretty good otherwise. I'm starting to get kind of a Tift Merritt vibe from her. Simon lies that she has delivered the best female vocal so far, but I do like her.

Mikalah Gordon sings "God Bless The Child" with no control, so she's all over the place. She's not the trainwreck that we desperately want from her at this point, but it's just bland and holy God nasal. Bad tone, bad control, bad presence. How is she still here?

Celena Rae does a big ballad, which is pretty ballsy of her, considering everything that was said last week about how boring the balladeeresses were. She's actually not bad, but she would've had to have been spectacular to make said criticisms irrelevant. When Simon tells her that there's a thin line between being a pop star and singing in a hotel, a simple question occurs to me: what do the backing vocalists have to say about that?

Nadia Turner sings "My Love," one of the worst songs that Paul McCartney ever wrote, and her version consists almost entirely of the part without actual words. It was a good vocal, but she gave herself absolutely nothing to work with. Terrible followup to a slam-dunk performance last week. Score is now Bo: 2, Nadia: 1.

Amanda Avila wears a top from the Lindsay Cardinale collection as she sings "Turn The Beat Around" and she's not – and it chills me to the bone to say this – as good as Diana DeGarmo. Now that's a sobering thought. Paula says it was the perfect song for her, so I'm guessing that she recognizes that Amanda is awful, since that's the only way that that makes any sense.

Janay Castine isn't as terrified this week as she sings "Oops! (Hit 'Em Up Style)," which is a good fit for the quality of her voice, but she's very wobbly and doesn't have the power she really needs for it, disregarding the fact that the lyrics are pretty inappropriate for a 16-year old. Oh, and she works Paula's and Mikalah's names into the song, and this trend must stop. NOW. I find myself in complete agreement with Simon that she's too young but will probably be very good in a few years. But this is what happens when you lower the eligibility age to 16, assholes. You made your own bed, now lie in it, 19E.

Carrie Underwood countrifies "Piece Of My Heart," which spacecityroommate refers to as "another song you can't sing unless you smoke six packs of cigarettes a day." I'm more generous in my appraisal, as I think she's good, but she has no spark. Simon is, again and shockingly, totally right when he says that it's reminiscent of a local cover band. In the meantime, let's all make special note of the fact that the prechorus already contains four "come on!"s preloaded for ready use.

Vonzell Solomon finishes a fairly uneventful evening with a very nice "If I Ain't Got You." She is much better than last week, and I think that this might be more her bag than uptempo stuff like "Heat Wave."

Leave. Leave now: Amanda, Mikalah (alternate: Aloha)

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Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Coming Soon From A Hayloft Near You...
by Swoopin

Awww, isn't it nice that Ryan Sprinkles has now put a jacket on over his t-shirt two weeks in a row for "ladies night." How gentlemanly of him.

My overall reaction to this? Can't we just keep all the guys? I'd much rather be bored to tears by David Brown then endure something like this again, and I likecountry music.

Aloha: I thought the clothes were good. The rest--man she hit some goddawful notes in there, and her attitude bugs me. Her lower register isn't all that great and when she goes for power she sounds tinny. Not doing it for me.

Then we have the Carrie Overpimp Interview, where she explains that the girls were all really enjoying themselves last night. Here's your hoop Carrie, jump through it. *whack* Good girl.

[Lindsey: I like the country sound on her, and she had more energy than last week, so she gets props for improving, but I thought the performance was really flat. The vocals were fine--not awesome, but fine. I wish she'd dress better. She's too pretty to wear those unflattering tops.

Jessica: I thought she did this better than DiBot did last year, even though her vocals are rougher, mainly because it sounded like she actually got the point of the song, and I liked that she tried to build it vocally. She missed the power note, but on a bad night, this sounded damned good by the end.

Mickles the Drag Queen: is channelling Young Babs tonight, and with her hair pulled back you can even see some resemblance around the eyes. Honestly? I can't stand her when she's on her schtick, but I thought she did a decent enough job with a challenging song. I think the song's too old for her, and she honks on the low notes and goes flat, and her voice has this really bizarre tone that's not quite nasal but I don't know what it is--a weird timbre. Or something. I will say this much--she's got charisma. I found it hard not to watch her tonight.

The band is way too loud tonight--accident? You be the judge.

Celena: When she said it wasn't "about the fame" I'm all liar liar pants on fire because you know it is. I thought she was off key in spots (but who can tell with that damned loud band? Simon had a point) and she is fine vocally--her voice is pleasant when it's on key, and she seems "nice." But nice isn't a compliment in my book. It usually means no one can think up a better adjective to describe you, and that's her problem.

Robot Idol! Isn't that what I'm watching?

Nadia: Picks, of all the bizarre song choices, Macca's "My Love". First of all, that's like the worst Paul McCartney song ever. And I think this is not a good choice for her, even though she deals with it okay. But I want more wailing on the "who-ohs" and her lack of range is obvious with this. But Simon is pracitically parroting what's going through my head: "okay, that was interesting and weird, and don't do it again." Uhm, yeah.

Paula is now advising people to marry a risk. Whatever.

Amanda: Not this AGAIN. I thought she was sharp, but again, the BAND is clearly wanting its own phone line and trying to line up some votes by drowning out everyone. I don't care what Simon thinks, I thought her voice was too weak for this song and that it was really kareoke. Not nearly enough attitude while she was singing it. I never think this is a good choice--it's too hard to spit the words out and still perform. And I'm cracking up because there's this guy behind her in the audience who stands up when he's prompted to clap, but he is like the most unenthusiastic clapper ever except for Carrie.

Janay: Okay, I confess I've got a weak spot for this song. And I'm starting to worry because Paula is now whispering in my ear with her "disconnected" comment. Janay hasn't got nearly enough sass and spunk to sing this, she's overenunciating odd things like shoPPING SPRee, and she can't keep up with a pretty basic rhythm--she's breathless and then shaky and off-key when she actually has to sing. And this song is way too old for her.

Carrie: See "Miss Innocent" wink at the camera and slap her ass through "Piece of my Heart," which is just wrong, wrong, wrong. And she's working the Degarmo Patented Pageant Arms! Aaaahhhh! And smiling when she's singing about someone ripping her heart into pieces. I want to plunge a spork into my eyes. This is a huge, huge mistake to pick this song too because Melissa Etheridge just tore it to pieces at the Grammy awards, too, bless her bald head. Just no. And I swear to Roman she had no idea who Janis Joplin was. I wept, the Baby Jesus wept, and somewhere in a grave, Janis Joplin would weep if she could.

Vonzelle: Is it now Alicia Keyes night? I really like this song, and I thought she got a little too screamy and had some weird ass phrasing, but pass. On a terrible night, this sounded like a work of art in a lot of ways. And she looked awesome.

Out tomorrow? Well, hell, beats me. Easier to say who should get to try again: Vonzelle, Jessica, Mickles, Nadia, Carrie. But these girls better step it up or the top six will all be guys. Not that I'd mind that.

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Blogger Swoopin sez:

Well fer crissakes, I tried to fix my html tags and it ate my edit and won't let me do it again. Sorry readers!

Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

Somethin bee-zarre is afoot... I'll check it out.

Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

Wierd... the bold was carrying on through to the rest of the page too! It keeps doin that it's going to end up liVIN in VAN doWn by the riVEr (the previous was written following Janaybonics)

Anyhow, all seems to be cool. I bolded your names fer ya :-)

Blogger Swoopin sez:

Aww, Snarky, thanks. I figured out why it didn't bold them to begin with--I copied off my hard copy instead of the TWOP page because I had to edit what I originally wrote for length. Then when I tried to edit the tags back, it ate my edit. Must've been feeling peckish.

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Front Row At A Gallagher Show...
by Wandering Snark

Aloha Begins tonight’s show after ending the first show... you see because he name means both hello and goodbye! Tonight? It’s leaning very very heavily toward goodbye. I for one didn’t buy her ‘impersonation’ of Beyonce last week as evidence of anything other than that she’d studied that perfomance and knew how to do it note for note. However, I could learn how to put together a fairly complex model but if I needed to put together a model with differnt parts or tools? I’d be useless, just like Aloha apparently is if she can’t do a practiced enough impersonation.

Lindsey ‘My Middle Name Is Cute’ Cardinale Aww.. she’s just so damn cute... it’s almost painful really. I think she got unnecessarily pounded on by the judges. I think she did what she needed to do, she did the breasty err I mean breathy ballad last week. She didn’t always reach the pacing of this one but it had personality and range and I’ll be hella pissed if Aloha or Janay stays and she goes next week...

Jessica Sierra WHOA!!! That was fan-freakin-tastic. No gigantic glory notes, no song that started slow and soft and quickly and then quickly ‘stuck’ at a full belt a’la J-Hud it was just controlled and rich and ass kickin. This is why I was so glad she wasn’t eliminated last week. I think she was head and shoulders above the field tonight. Not as much as Bo who basically lapped the men’s field but it was a similar thrashing.

Celena Rae Is your pretty, cool friend who can really sing. Everyone loves her and knows she’s got a lot of talent. That doesn’t make her an Idol contender though she certainly has the goods to have made it this far; this is probably her ceiling though.

Meekaylah can live another week. It was still all kinds of bizzare and a half but at least it wasn’t seemingly intentionally annoying; it was just odd. She’s still singing out of her tonsils, and now it sounds like her tongue’s been superglued to her bottom teeth. She isn’t singing the beginning or end of her words; but she’s kind of singing around the sides of them, not clipping them off... it’s kind of like listening to a tape that’s being eaten.

Nadia Turner Cool, I wanted to hear her voice. Pretty good, but this is a wierd-ass song choice. Did she and Aloha have a bet who could perform the most wobbly not-really-words song? I dunno who ‘won’ that bet though. The bloom is off the proverbial rose a bit this week. Paula says we believe in Nadia, so I guess we do... ‘cause if Paula said it it’s got to be true, right? Especially when she speaks for all of us and says “We love you”

Amanda Avila I can’t help but think of our renaming this one ‘Turn the Bleat Around’ after Caaaaarmen did it. Diana kicked this thing’s ass, no matter how ‘bot-like’ we may have thought it was, she nailed every damn word of this song front to back. I felt that Amanda instead got her ass kicked by the song, I actually think it basically swallowed her whole. She’s unfortunately overpraised, ‘fans’ may feel she’s fine and not vote her through.

Janay Castine Luckily I don’t fear for her head exploding and splattering the crowd like a watermellon at a Gallagher show but that doesn’t mean it was any better to watch. As a very young looking 17 she sings about someone cheating on her. Parents? They’re either cringing that it’s this ‘racy’ and she’s so innocent, or they’re shaking their heads because society has made her another 16 going on 36 year old kids with no actual childhood.

Carrie Underwood Overpimped Shocking! She’s got the final slot? This is taking a giant beast of a car, it’s engine is bigger than most cars today... and driving it 20 mph down a steep hill. That’s what it feels like watching her take one of the most unrestrained and raw songs of Janis’ and putting it to this arrangement. She couldn’t even growl out one single ‘taaaake IT!!!’ and her ‘you know you got it...’ portion which is the signature and heart and soul of the song was taken a’la Anthony Boresmypantsov and made into LiteRock. Ghastly. So fun to see Simon calls her out as a ‘cover band’ singer when we know that’s exactly what she is!

Of course next though Seacreast says “So when you make it into the Top 12... or if you make it into the Top 12 that is...” just so we don’t forget she’s the Chosen One.

Vonzelle Solomon Doing her expected diva-tastic best but it’s kind of a mess actually. Someone truly needs to kill these fucking background singers; or the sound guy. Or both? That brings the show to a close with a resounding whimper. I’d say she may find invitation to the Final 12 marked ‘return to sender’.

So, what the hell do we make of that crap? Sadly I'd say that Jessica was ahead of the pack in proportion as much as Bo was ahead of the other guys (comparatively) then there's a giant giant chasm... And while they were both uneven and a bit clunky I put Lindsey and Mikahla together next and then on the other side of the road I'd say were Celena and Carrie... and everyone else is roadkill strewn along the side of the road.

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Blogger Swoopin sez:

Man, between the band and the backup singers, it was very loud last night, wasn't it? But I still think they did that deliberately because no one really was at homerun level. So maybe they just tried to drown them out?

Blogger Wandering Snark sez:

It's all making me misty-eyed nostalgic for the 'simpler days' of Schroeder and the singers. Last year we added the band and this year they've just gone wayyy to fucking far with providing backround singers for everyone; as Simon said "that sounded good but I'm not sure how much of it was really you".

We follow this trend and pretty soon everyone will get a full gospel choir like Fantasia had for the finale. I do wonder though if all the bells and whistles are intentional distractions.

Blogger Swoopin sez:

It has been pointed out to me that it's the sound mixers who are to blame. I'd imagine they're even easier to manipulate. "The girls suck this week, crank up the volume."

Man, I miss Schroeder and the piano, although Bo with just a piano is a kind of scary thing. I wonder if they did this to be kinder to ConstantScreech as their rawker of choice?

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The "Boys" are Back in Town
by wasimmerdude

I thought this week's performances were, as a whole, a lot more entertaining than last week's. And the judges seemed reeeally nice this week. Maybe it really was in response to Wednesday's bloodbath.

Mario: his voice sounded thin, and he started way too softly. He was nearly drowned out by the background music, which can never be a good thing. I do like his clear tone and voice, but the song was nothing spectacular. The last few notes sounded a bit off to me. And, I don't like his overdone gratitude whenever the judges fellate him. Meh.

Anwar: he started way too low, I think, and was also too soft. I'm still ambivalent about the arrangement. I liked his "you know you got to find a way"'s, but thought his choruses were nasal. I don't like his vibrato or his melismas, since I think he tries to overdo the vocal gymnastics. He was a lot more energetic than last week, but I don't think it was entirely appropriate for this song.

Joe: I like Joe. I think his tone is great, and his voice is really smooth. He's got a lot of power to his voice, and his clean tone is very nice to hear. He doesn't overdo the dramatics, which is refreshing. I personally really liked the "thank you so much" at the end of his performance, but can see where that seems a bit much.

David: Meh. He was too quiet at the beginning since the song sounded too low for his range, but he also managed to sound sharp throughout. It was a boring performance, his glory notes weren't anything special, and his lower register was weak. With all of the pimping they'd done of David during the audition rounds, I was expecting WAY more, but he's failed to deliver both weeks so far.

ConstantSuck: Oh MAN I hate this guy. His control is awful, he sounds like he's completely singing through his nostrils, and he just tries WAY too hard. I will admit that I liked his choruses, since his diction was clear and he was fairly on-key, but his screaming was absolutely ridiculous. It was painful. The sad thing is that he thinks shit like that will help validate his "rocker-ness" or something. He's just so damn contrived. Easily the worst performance of the night, but of course he'll be around a lot longer. Damnit!

Scott: I'm growing to like Scott a lot more, but fear he's not destined to go much further. His voice is so smooth and I love his tone. He's got a great falsetto and great control. However, he is breathy, and at times he can be boring. I keep waiting for him to blow us away, but he also has failed to deliver. I liked the glasses as they were a nice touch, but he's got to do something with the facial hair. I wonder if growing a Van Dyke would help, or if it'd make him look even creepier.

Travis: He sang "All Night Long." Hee!! I caught a weird affected accent while he was singing. Maybe I was just hearing things, but it sounded forced. I thought he sounded shaky, and didn't like the dancing because it caused him to sound breathless. At times I really liked his tone, but there were places where he sounded a bit sharp, probably because he was overcompensating for his breathing. The ending was weak. But hooray for Janay, Amanda, and Aloha for singing along during the bridge part!

Nikko: I thought he sounded great. His high notes were great, and I loved his growly tone. His runs were nice, too. I did think that he chose a song that didn't allow him to sing enough and showcase his voice. It was mostly his embellishing on top of the background singers, which only showcases vocal theatrics and not the ability to command a melody, so that was unfortunate, I thought. But, his voice was very pleasant to me. Two great performances in two weeks.

Anthony: Ugh, another power ballad? Boo. His diction is weird, and his song choices are so boring. Too much vibrato, and he's pretty darn pitchy. He's too sharp, and he overcompensates by throwing in crazy-ass vibrato, which sounds so hollow and forced. I don't like his glory notes. Boo.

Bo: He was awesome last week, so I was afraid that he wouldn't live up to expectations this week. Well, he did, and went way beyong. He absolutely fucking destroyed everyone else, I thought. He rocked the fuck out on "Whipping Post," and was a true performer tonight. His raw energy and passion were incredible, and infused the song with such power and strength. His growly tone was great, and his screaming was appropriate and helped add to the song (take a note, ConstantSuck). He's a performer through and through, and it comes off as real and genuine from him. I can't help but feel like he loves what he's doing, absolutely loves music, and sings from his heart and soul. LOVE BO. My favorite coming into the semifinals, and he's done nothing but impress me for the past two weeks.

Who I think deserves to go: Constantine and David
Who I think will go: David and Scott

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Bo Bice, Bo Bice, Banana Nanna Fo Fice...
by Phan

"Ten Males perform in front of the judges." - DVR, you silly sexual inuendo machine you.
Ryan and Simon giggle like two school boys trying to sneak back into their dorm room after a night of... well... experimenting?

First up is Mario Vazquez. He says he'll prove he isn't bad yet! Just wait and see. Oh wait, he lets it slip out that he thinks he'll be in for the long haul "I'll show you in the upcoming weeks.... I hope." Nice attempt at a save there. Well, he's probably right, but still, dude. He is singing... "I Love Music?" Is that the title of the song? Really? I'm sorry, you'll have to forgive me. "I Love Music" as well, but perhaps not as much as I should since I didn't know three of these songs existed tonight. I'm sorry. Anyway, this song is what an upbeat winner's single would sound like and Mario does well with another fast-paced song that seems to be about nothing. Wait, he IS Dibot. Eh, I've yet to understand why he is supposedly so great. He really sounds like a Justin Timberlake clone, and we already have one of those.

Next is Anwar Robinson. He wants his students to think of him as Mr. Robinson, and not Anwar. Okay, sure. He wants to show the children they can go far, because he believe's that they are our future, and he can teach them and then they'll lead the way. The last time I remember children leading the way was the Crusdaes, and that didn't go over too well now did it? "What's Goin' On" is his song of choice, and I really have to say this: I know I should like him, I know. After all the bitching I did last season about the technically good singers getting the boot instead of the "personality" singers, I should really appreciate Anwar. That being said... I don't know yet. He's fairly good and strong, and I like him better than I did last week (y'know, everytime you see the phrase "than last week" take a drink) but so what?

Joseph Murena gets interviews by Ryan at some point (I can't remember if it was before or after Anwar, though I think it's before, like it matters) about how Joesph (and the rest of the nation) thought he was eliminated and tried to tell Ryan he read the card wrong and he couldn't bend over with Ryan or something. Oops. I mean, he couldn't bend his kness and Ryan found that really interesting, since Ryan is always able to bend his... y'know, I'm going to stop now.

Away, Joesph confessionals that American Idol is a lot different than singing in front of a bathroom mirror because you're singing in front of a lot more people. Unless you happen to be George Michael. Thank you Joesph for insight. Joesph croons and belts "Let's Stay Together" which is Paula's favorite song ever and if this were the Wildcard show, Joe would be Paula's choice and we all know it. Actually, I really liked him tonight and ranked him among the top three so I was fairly surprised that Simon and Randy ripped him apart as much as they did. He sings the verse that I don't think has been sung on the show before so at least that was different.

David Brown interviews that his lucky charm is a microphone he wears around his neck to remind himself that he's a very good singer, but then he forgets how good he is and blahs his way through "All is Fair in Love." Stevie Wonder! DRINK! He is certainly better than last week but so is everyone else tonight. His glory notes are solid and good but it just doesn't make up for the boringness that is this song, or at least the boringness of the arrangement. I really don't think he'll be getting much further than next week, and that's if he survives.

Constantine Maroulis tells us that American Idol is HARDCORE and DANGEROUS and if you don't think so then you can be some broadway performer somewhere or something I guess. *Cough.* So ConstantSlime has picked "Hard to Handle" to sing and why is he screaming at me? Doe he really think that makes him a rock singer? And where is this charisma I keep hearing about? I don't see it. He makes out with the microphone, and discards the stand on the ground cause this is all so HARDCORE! He sucks and blows at once, defying all laws of physics (tm someone who is much funnier than I can ever hope).

Travis Tucker gets interviewed (again I don't remember when) by Ryan and it's blah blah personality cakes. I don't remember. Song choice cakes possibly?

Scott Savol blahs his way through the "ugly idol" spiel and y'know, I don't really remember a contestant milking that at this point in the competition. I know the judges have harked on it a lot, but never really the contestants unless they were outright asked by Ryan. I do realize he is being interviewed, but seriously, we get it. He isn't pretty. He wants to eat my skin. The boy ain't right. Then, to prove what a great vocalist he is, he sings "All My Love" (I guess, this is song #2 I don't know). And, it's about the same as last week. He has a good voice, nice sense of pitch, but it's kinda blah and boring. The beginning is kinda rushed and more speak-singing I think. Another meh performance.

In Travis's confessional moment, he laughs and laughs about... something. Does it matter? He's smiling and happy and stuff! Travis comes out, (hee) and sings "All Night Long." He proceeds to dance. Is this popping? I've been waiting to use that term since I heard it on VH-1 so now is as good a time as ever. Anyway, because of the dancing, Travis can hardly sing, so he's breathless and kinda flat, but it's more entertaining than last week. He is more of a performer, but I don't think we've ever seen him dance and sing at once yet. We saw him dance then sing, but not simutaneously. Again, he's okay.

Anthony Federov gets interviewed about the Clay comparisons. He tells us (in his blouse and ripped jeans) that he is own Clay Aiken, I mean artist, and he hopes people remember him for his own Clayness, er uniqueness. Good luck there Potterov. Eric Yoder called. He wants his schtick back.

Nikko Smith says he'd like to introduce America to some real music, and you know, I'd scoff and roll my eyes if I didn't loathe nearly all of today's music (or if he were ConstantWhine). Nikko performs "Let's Get It On" and oh sweet baby Roman. How could choose this song at this stage of the competition? It's good and all, but it's cheese. He's really listenable and good this week, as opposed to the week of the 21st in February (see, so I didn't say "than last week" again, I said that. Shit. Idiot.). The song only has... 20 words to it and there is a lot of dead air, but he did as well as he could have with the song I guess.

Anthony confesses that he eats Chinese food. I'm surprised he eats personally. He tells us about his fortune cookies and how it says something about sweet surprises and irony and I have a good chuckle with one another. Anthony wails "I Want to Know What Love Is" and GOD it's cheese. What the hell? Do these people want me to have heart problems by shoving five songs of chesse down my throat tonight? Be belts and pulls a couple of glory notes, getting some of the crowd on their feet before it's even over. I guess if have to be stuck with somebody, I'd choose Anthony over any of the others I find boring.

BO! Freaking BO BICE. I'm sorry about the caps but... dude! BO! In BO's confessional, BO says that he had to leave his job in order to go on American Idol. He agreed, but he wouldn't quit since he wanted unemployment (hee), so they fired BO and BO got want he wanted so yay for BO. So tonight, what does he do? He completely wipes the floor with all the other contestants and just nails "Whippin' Post" and oh my Roman. Just... unbelievable. There are no words to describe the awesomeness. I will join the cult he leads should BO ask. Maybe we should dust off the (deleted vowel). I hope beyond hope that BO gets a slot next to ConstantScreech because BO's is rock.

So rank-wise tonight, I'd put it at:
BO!, Joesph, Nikko, Anwar, Anthony, Mario, Scott, Travis, David, and Constantine

Overall, my thoughts are:
BO!, Nikko, Anwar, Mario, Anthony, Joesph, Scott, David or Travis (tied), and Constantine
I don't know who I call yet. Joesph might go even though he's done better than some of the pimped so far. I think the second slot is between David, Travis, Constantine and perhaps Nikko. I think I'd put Travis to go, thus Joesph and Travis.

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Wrapped Up With A Bo
by spacecitymarc

Ridicularity runs wild at the start, as Ryan gets the giggles when he introduces Simon, who, for his part, flat-out acknowledges that he's already picked a winner.

Mario Vasquez and another fucking hat do singing-like noisy sounds on a song that I don't know because it's not a real song. I know this because its ostensible title, "I Like Music," shows that it was initially intended for the America Sings segment of the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade. And suddenly I suspect that we've never seen him singing a real song, as he opts instead for half-assed vocal showcases. Mandatory deduction for opening with, "Come on, people, put your hands together!"

Anwar Robinson sings "What's Going On," which could very well be the most political song ever performed on this show, which, let's recall, rush-released "God Bless The U.S.A." as a single two seasons ago. He sounds lackluster to me. In an interesting trend which I wish he (and others) would notice, he sounds fine when singing words but not when doing vocal runs on "yeah" and the like. I was somewhat dismayed that he "Whoo!"ed his own damn performance, not the least reason for which was that he ended really sharp.

Joseph Murena adds extra "whoo!"s and "come on!"s to the most unctuous version I could possibly imagine of "Let's Stay Together," which, as a song of seduction, has its entire raison d'etre stomped on like grapes at a winery. I don't care if he can sing at this point: he doesn't understand his material, so it's time for him to leave.

David Brown is trying awfully hard to sing "All Is Fair In Love" and coming up short. When he says in his clip that his necklace helps him remember where he's from, spacecityroomate says, "A microphone on a chain? Where are you from?" And we both said "Radio Shack" at the exact same time, and it was awesome and you should've been here.

Constantine Maroulis starts off a ridiculous, horribly wretched performance of "Hard To Handle" by saying, "Let's rock this thing!" and being wildly off pitch on the very first note. He then proceeds to do nothing more than scream for the duration, learning the lesson from Mario that you don't have to sing anymore on this show, just do your schtick for as long as the music plays. Simon nails it by saying, "I could go to any bar in America and see any singer of the same caliber as you." Bang on, Simon. You're still a dick.

Rantermission! I'm sick of the eyefucking. Just sick of it. Even if it didn't reek of desperation the way it does for most of the contestants who do it (Constantine did nothing but try to figure out which camera was on him at any given moment), it's just a pointless way of splitting your focus. I've seen commercially available concert videos that are damned effective without the singer getting as far as eyefirstbase with me. Because -- gosh! -- they're paying more attention to their performance than they are to trying to figure out where they need to look. So there is a way in which trying to make it look like they're "singing to us" can work against them. I hope I hope I hope.

Scott Savol sings some Luther Vandross song I don't know, proving Melinda Lira's point from last week, as I'd think he sucked if this was the first time I'd heard him. I'd also think he was a Constantine-sized douchebag for wearing sunglasses, but they not only look good on him, they make him look less bad, if you get me. Ryan, meanwhile, suffers from a defective TelePrompter and stumbles. How many times has he said this crap over the course of four seasons? And he can't do it extemporaneously? Who is he, Ron Burgundy?

Travis Tucker speaks what sounds like utter gibberish in his intro clip and then puts more effort into dancing "All Night Long" than into singing it. And he's no Lionel Richie, who wasn't a vocal powerhouse or anything, just a guy who could, you know, sing. Not good, Travis.

A blessedly millinery-free Nikko Smith sings "Let's Get It On" and thus basically begs for sex on national television. He's not too bad, actually, but hasn't the song sort of reached a point where it's automatically a parody of itself?

Anthony Federov sings "I Wanna Know What Love Is," and manages to be very weak, even when he's loud. Not only that, the backup singers really underscore just how off-pitch he is during the chorus. And seriously? When Lou Gramm has more soul than you? You're in trouble.

And then, after bragging about being eligible for unemployment, Bo Bice comes out, sings "Whipping Post" like he was delivered from on high for no other purpose. spacecityroommate points out that if he was at an Allman Brothers concert and he heard this, he would be entirely satisfied at money well-spent. At this point, Bo is so clearly, patently, obviously miles ahead of his competition that it's just ridiculous. Suck on it, Constantine!

Go away: Joe, Travis. Constantine I want to squirm just a little longer.

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Monday, February 28, 2005

Let There Be Bo
by Swoopin

Blahblahblah Ryancakes.

So Paula starts us off by saying she wants to see "showmanship." Judd, at home, kicks a huge hole in his teevee. And what's with the flippy dippy hair? And did she share her stash all around tonight or what?

On to the carnage--I thought everyone with 4 exceptions were better this week.

Mario: this guy--Jesus. He is sooooo Mickey Mouse Club, right down to the hats and the cheese he served up with that. Anyone who claps their hands over their heads should be instantly eliminated. And he raided some poor old guy's closet and stole his hat and jacket. Simon tells him "you don't need our advice." Well, he could use mine: he was drowned out by the backing vocals, his pitch was wobbly at best, and he has breathing issues when he moves. And the falsetto is not good enough. "I Love Music" is total ham and cheese. His was Generic Cheese Slices and Baloney.

Anwar: First, props to the camera people for giving me that close up of Lindsay's hair. Where do they find these people? Last year it was John Stevens' ear. I thought he was a little too happy, and he started too low again, but he was on it by the end. But I think Nikko Out Marvin'd him in a lot of ways.

Joe: Is probably now wondering what a Portuguese nightclub is, and Al Green is wondering why it took until 2005 for him to become irrelevent on AI. I liked this--he's got a good voice, he was on key with good tone. Not the greatest of the night, but certainly superior to the four people who followed him, IMO.

David: He just isn't bringing it. I think he's fallen victim to the nerves--he's way off key in places. The glory note was good, but this was the worst tonight.

Constantine: I ain't gonna burn my hands on him, believe me. I'd like to attack him with a bar of soap, though. All I really have to say about this is Jesus H. Roman, that was not only laughably awful, it was ridiculously off key. And please, for the love of Roman, button the damned shirt and stop with the jacket yanking, you pretentious git.

Scott: Liked the glasses and that he tried to groove a bit--props for that. I thought he sounded weak when he went up to the high notes. I don't think he's cutting lose like he can, and he needs to bring it--if he gets to stay next week. I thought it was, again, too dull.

Travis: So very pretty, and he can move. Loved his spiel about doing it for himself and not his dead granny. You go Travis! That said, he started kind of rough and he, like Mario, has some breathing issues to work on, but I give him a pass just because I could watch him smile all night long.

Nikko: Took my favorite Marvin song and did it a little growly. I liked it--it was a little more raw than Marvin, but I thought it worked for him. Still a little screechy on the falsetto, and he does NOT look like Bobby Brown.

Potterov: Again with the fading lower register. No power behind the glory note. And still with the Claycloning--bending forward to do the big notes, etc. He needs to be himself. Except I'm not sure he knows who that is anymore. I didn't think it was awful, but I think he's boring as hell.

Bo: I have "Mrs. Bo Bice" written on my notes. Which is pathetic because I'm 15 years older than him and married and all, but Ho-leeeee Shit. "Whipping Post" on AI! He was way better than anyone ever has been on this show. And Constantine? That's stage presence honey. Look into it.

Who should go: David and Constantine
Who will go: David and Scott, I think, or maybe I'll get lucky about Conman.

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Blogger PKD sez:

"Falling for you was,
Never quite like bleeding,
Your mother said it was,
A new form of weed eating."

-The Troxies

Blogger katiedid sez:

Don't feel too bad about Bo... y'know what's more pathetic? When I wrote Mrs. Bo Bice over and over on my three ring binder, I put little hearts over the "i" where there should more reasonably be a simple dot. Plus, even more pathetic than that? I'm fighting the urge (and obsession, really) to suggest several good hair serums to make his hair shinier. Because Mrs. Bo Bice needs to be seen with a man who's got shiny beautiful Breck Girl quality hair. He's not the prettiest contestant this year, but yeah... I'm with you on the Bo love.

Blogger Swoopin sez:

Katiedid said. "I put little hearts".

Uhm, well...*embarrassed look*.

You know, he's not pretty pretty, but he's a damned good looking guy. Certainly superior to ConstantCreep.

And dear Lord, someone besides me knows who The Troxies are. What is the world coming to?

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The Wheat and the Chaff... and the Fertilizer
by Wandering Snark

Monkrio Fezquez Kicks off with another song that, well, it sound and looks and feels exactly last his last song. It’s at the same time glimpses of a really good performance and a performance gone horribly awry. I've never heard anyone be that inconsistent within a song before and this is two weeks in a row.

This week though he’s wearing the decorative outside of a flower pot not actually a hat. His ring matches his hat and jacket people!!! Also, he has full-on DeGarmoitis; c’mon people!

Mr. Robinson Starts really shakey but picks up steam. The background singers are like a hot poker in the eye. I can do without the ‘whooooo!!’s but it’s another risky take on a song and I dig it. He’s leaning toward ‘so what’ territory though. He seems to always come up with ‘really good’ and ‘interesting’ but I want to see if he can put forth ‘Damn Near Perfect’ and ‘Jaw Droppingly Amazing’ at any point.

JoEnrique Murenasias Apparently the ‘whooo’s and ‘c’mon’s are contagious... just so nobody is confused he comes out looking as much as Enrique as possible. He actually sounds really good this week and his performance aspects are a good improvement over last time out. Ahh there’s our first ‘Cabaret’ mention of the year, even with an update of tacking on ‘Portugese’ to it since it is 2005... all is right with the world!

David Brown “I’ll take contest-ending song choices for 1,000 Alex!” I hear the paint on the ceiling above him mocking him they were more exciting in their previous life pre-drying. Dude just isn’t coming through with 'the goods'. Interestingly, this show has employed a ‘screaming teenage girl track’ which is quite a distraction. Shrieks and screams come in waves the moment any singer finishes, especially...

ConstantCreed I’m trying not to watch too closely so I don’t have to take a shower afterward. His random screaming and caterwauling makes a few pictures fall off my walls. My right ear feels a bit odd and I realize it’s just that it’s bleeding a bit. Thank gahhd that Simon doesn’t keep up with the rediculous ‘You had fun up there’ bullshit and calls it like it is. That “you had fun” thing is the AI equivalent of saying a girl has a ‘great personality’ but then, the whole singing thing and pitch etc doesn’t matter anymore. Somewhere JPL is telling his friends that this guy sucks; and he’s right.

Scott Savol This is not his week, except if you mean his week to go home. He’s slurring his words together like Paula, he’s boring as hell, it’s not really a singing song much... there’s no sustained notes. He’s doing our favorite ‘literal hand gestures’ thing; point to your temple when you say ‘thinking’ etc.

JazzieCazzie’s Travis Thankfully he’s un-nailed his feet from the stage, like he has to, since boy can move. I instantly think “is he gonna do that bizarre jumbalisachemgitobah part?” and he should get votes just for having the stones to attack it. I dig it; if anything it’s nowhere near safe so I’m cool with this one saving us from the boredom and buying Travis another week.

Nikko Smith Gets votes this week for not wearing the hat... cool rendition, lots of style. Paula has been reduced to a stuttering pool of goo and needs to take a bathroom break to wring out her pants.

Anthony Boresmypantsov Uptempo doesn’t mean sing louder. Anthony is the King of LiteRock!

Bo Bice Closes it out for us this week so anti-pimping doesn’t appear to be on the horizon yet. I wonder if this can be seen as a switching from ‘Project Mehrio’ to ‘Project Bo’? I doubt they thought he’d do anywhere near that well last week so maybe they’ll ‘ride the hot hand’ now if he keeps the buzz going.

Anyhow, this week he’s got a serious Joe Cocker vibe goin... and ho. lee. sheet. his energy is off the fuckin’ charts. GahhhhDAMNNNNN dude, that was sen-freakin-sational!!

I love that the recap puts in one of the mannny pretentious faux-rocker parts of ConstantCreed’s performances so we can reflect back on what a joke his performance was compared to the AssKicking-That-Was-Bo.

I rate today as: Bo (big gap) Nikko, Travis, Anwar (gap and a half) Joerique, Scott, Fezquez (chasm) Trachea, David Brown, ConstantCreed.

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Blogger katiedid sez:

Interesting. I thought Mario's hat looked like the webbed seat on outdoor wicker patio furniture. Also, I believe I saw them giving those same hats away at last year's Oregon State Fair for making three baskets with a tiny basketball into a rigged hoop.

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Sunday, February 27, 2005

Pin The Cliche Judging Comment on the Contestant!
by Wandering Snark

In pondering the upcomign week's shows I tried to picture what order the singers will go in, what kind of song they will sing and how the judges will react in their oh-so-helpfully trite way. These are just educated guesses; I haven't heard anything about who is doing what or whatever. I think the whole week will depend on who picks what.

My guess will be 'girls' will 'return to the Diva' so we'll start he show off with some gahdfirsaken mess by MeetBabsDrescher which they will pan mercilessly because it wasn't 'who you are', you're fun, you're vomit inducing! The ballad was a bad choice for you dawg; she'll take the 'aww poor thing' votes that Janay got last week and live to torture us for a third week.

Aloha and Nadia will actually do 'singing' songs this week so unless one of them is jaw-dropping and can make that final slot they'll be at the 1/4 and 3/4's marks respectively.

The middle will be YoungPerkyUpTempoNonHeadExploding Janay leaving us so that Carrie will finish off with some damn power ballad. The other girls will 'slot in' to keep there from being too many 'stand or sit and sing into mic' performances in a row.

'Boys': David Brown kicks us off up-tempo. Randy says 'Yo that was da bomb dawg. I was feelin it!' Paula will claim he has a wonderful color to his voice and we'll know she's been hitting the magic medicine cabinet again.

At the quarter mark is Bo, doing 'Desperado'. Randy will say 'Alright man, you definitely have the pipes but I just think that this wasn't the best song choice for you, I mean c'mon dawg, you're a ROCKER! I was just... like... dude ya know?' Paula tells him she loves him and America loves him so hopefully he'll back next week for anotehr chance because tonight you took a chance and I don't think it paid off.

The middle is staked down by Mario doing some sappy crap in yet another hat, Randy says he 'worked it out' but he's not sure... Paula calls him crazy in that semi-hysterical way saying that she he looks great and 'I'm sure his fans will vote for him' because he's got such a nice tone, following up with the ever popular hands clasping together over her heart 'I just love you. Fantastic' schpiel.

Anwar goes up tempo just after that, Randy says 'I dunno dude... not your best, and it was kinda pitchy here and there'. Then Paula incoherently double-talks saying something that seems to be that they want people to take risks but that the song 'just wasn't who he is' so his 'energy' just didn't carry it but 'you looked like you were having fun up there. So.. good for you.'

Constantlame holds down the final slot and does 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love' in very much the same manner that Judd did last week but of course with two extra layers of sleeze and a side of eye fucking. They of course go insane and compliment him on his great presence and energy. Paula will tell him how much we love to watch him. Simon will say 'That was very good and as I said last week it's your 'charismarr' that really brought the whole performance together. I think you're bound to do very well in this compa-sis-scion.'

I'll then of course throw up in my mouth... again.

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